My Dream

I'm rambling this week ...


In yesterdays post, Spouse First!, I mentioned that my dreams must change -

"My dream of sitting out in the yard beside my husband, holding hands, enjoying the beautiful scenery, which would include our wonderful family around us, is no longer a dream I can create in this life." 

Serving a mission together in our "empty nest" years can no longer take place the way we dreamed it would.  Retiring and visiting our children and grandchildren together requires a new dream.

We often hear that we can make our dreams come true if we want to bad enough.  Well, that just isn't going to happen here no matter how much I want it or how hard I try.  There are many changes in the way my dreams will take shape now.

image from google search

Naturally, out of necessity, I am searching for a new dream ... still not quite sure if I really want to, but very sure that I need to.  I need to move forward and make life more meaningful.

Looking forward has been one of the hardest parts of this stage in my life.  It is a challenge that seems tremendously overwhelming, even teetering on impossible.  It's not part of the dream I always had, it is more like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.   The self centered human inside tells me that I don't want to continue this dream.  I don't want it to become the reality.
Like I could change it!

Wishing for what was won't change what is. So we keep moving forward.

But it's a hard thing.  (Ok, now I sound like Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon stories, and that is a real eye opener if nothing else is.)  I must remember that I can do hard things!

  

I know that our loving Father in Heaven is aware of my crushed dreams and my need to come up with a new dream.  I know He knows that I don't really want to, but need to if I am going to be ready for the blessings that await me and my spouse and our family.   I also know that He is giving me the nudge I need, after several months of mourning and sitting stagnant. (Yip! showing no activity; dull and sluggish, inactive, slow moving, lethargic, depressed, declining, dormant.  I was becoming, but not becoming anything good.)

I couldn't continue on that same path I had chosen and I knew it but was doing nothing to change it. I just thought it would happen later, giving myself at least a year after Terry's passing.  I was okay with that, and actually in some ways will miss that.  Well, one can only rationalize so long before rationalizing becomes a very real part of life and we then miss the opportunities awaiting us.  So, I am trying to push myself to do more hard things, a little at a time, and it's becoming a work in progress.

image found on pinterest

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

Anyway,  as I was cleaning and rearranging things in the house the last couple days I came upon this frame I purchased (to use several years ago at my mom and dad's 50th anniversary - okay, that's another dream I will not see come to pass for Terry and I - it never will end you know - something will always be there to remind me).
Okay, what I really meant to say was this -
I found this frame that I purchased, but loved the quote and never put a photo in it after removing the picture we used at the anniversary celebration.

personal photo

Every yesterday

is a memory of

Happiness

Every tomorrow 

is a vision of

Hope and Love

Indeed!  The "tomorrows" that were happening in my life had become motionless. There wasn't always a focus on Hope and Love.

I'll see if I can forget the emphasis on dreams and focus more on a vision of Hope and Love for every tomorrow.


What a challenge!
But every challenge comes with a promise if we endure with faith.
I'm not expecting an overnight change, but maybe over the next few months.

In time, as I remain faithful and steadfast, my vision will become more clear and my dreams will take on a new direction and once again lead me to my happily ever after - one tomorrow at a time.

Back to School +

We took BrittanyJo to Rexburg to start this next semester of college.  The roads were really good for us on the way there but there was compact snow on the roads at least half of the way home (but they didn't slow us down too much and we didn't have any problems).  The trees were lovely to see.

We left BrittanyJo feeling kinda sick.  She was alone in her apartment with no one to require her attention so she could rest or organize as she desired.  We can see with this next picture that she did some organizing (though if she is at all like her mother, things might still change after she lives there for awhile).  This is her side of the room, then her side of the walk in closet, then the bathroom - all inside her room - it's really a nice place.

apartment exterior has such a fun look and the inside is pretty cool too

While we were gone Chase headed back to Wenatchee for his new semester.  He had a project to work on before school started and some friends to visit before he left.

Monday (5th) will be the first day back to school for BJo, Chase, and Anthony.  Big Day!  

Connor will be looking for work and trying to settle in to a new routine, which is what I will be trying to do too (I guess I already have my new job, but will need to settle in to that new routine).

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the thought of it all, but it's just because I haven't had to worry about those types of things before and I don't understand the mail I'm getting and the work that is required.  I am so glad that Thomas knows some of it, but there is some that he hasn't worked with yet too.  I'll be setting up some meetings with a few people who can help us learn about whatever we need to learn about.  I think it will just keep going with a domino effect from there.

I will try to remember Terry's encouraging words -

"It will turn out better than you think!" 

as I continue on this journey.   Day to day life is just different than it ever has been before and it is just going to keep changing for awhile.

Through the last week some of the kids have mentioned how I've changed and I just tell them that I will never be the same again.  No matter how hard I try I cannot be the same.  Not much in my day to day life is the same as it used to be so there is no way I can remain the same.  Some change will be indifferent - not necessarily better, but not really worse either - just different.  However, because we are constantly striving to be and do better I do hope to change for the better in many ways.   With the help of the Lord I know I can do it.


I'll end this post with a puzzle we did over the holiday.  You may remember that puzzles have been a big part of our lives the last few years and especially last year, so it felt right to keep that tradition going.  It was a little hard for me the first several minutes but I didn't want that part of me to change so I kept going and it soon became relaxing and therapeutic.  

That is how I hope to make things work for me in the future - I will persevere ... until it becomes easier.  Not that the thing has changed, but that my ability to do so has.

(image from here)

When I tried to find that quote above I found these too.  They are all good, so I'm adding them as a gentle reminder.

(image from pinterest, but complete article from Elder Scott can be found here)

(image found here)

Well, here I "grow"  ...

Change

I remember Terry reading this to me a couple months ago.  

"The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays."

- Soren Kierkegaard

I saved the magazine and just found it this morning - it is something to consider and to remind me.

"What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  Don't complain."

- Maya Angelou

From The Progressive Farmer / October 2014

a gift from a friend

This was first published at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2014/12/change.html