My Dream

I'm rambling this week ...


In yesterdays post, Spouse First!, I mentioned that my dreams must change -

"My dream of sitting out in the yard beside my husband, holding hands, enjoying the beautiful scenery, which would include our wonderful family around us, is no longer a dream I can create in this life." 

Serving a mission together in our "empty nest" years can no longer take place the way we dreamed it would.  Retiring and visiting our children and grandchildren together requires a new dream.

We often hear that we can make our dreams come true if we want to bad enough.  Well, that just isn't going to happen here no matter how much I want it or how hard I try.  There are many changes in the way my dreams will take shape now.

image from google search

Naturally, out of necessity, I am searching for a new dream ... still not quite sure if I really want to, but very sure that I need to.  I need to move forward and make life more meaningful.

Looking forward has been one of the hardest parts of this stage in my life.  It is a challenge that seems tremendously overwhelming, even teetering on impossible.  It's not part of the dream I always had, it is more like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.   The self centered human inside tells me that I don't want to continue this dream.  I don't want it to become the reality.
Like I could change it!

Wishing for what was won't change what is. So we keep moving forward.

But it's a hard thing.  (Ok, now I sound like Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon stories, and that is a real eye opener if nothing else is.)  I must remember that I can do hard things!

  

I know that our loving Father in Heaven is aware of my crushed dreams and my need to come up with a new dream.  I know He knows that I don't really want to, but need to if I am going to be ready for the blessings that await me and my spouse and our family.   I also know that He is giving me the nudge I need, after several months of mourning and sitting stagnant. (Yip! showing no activity; dull and sluggish, inactive, slow moving, lethargic, depressed, declining, dormant.  I was becoming, but not becoming anything good.)

I couldn't continue on that same path I had chosen and I knew it but was doing nothing to change it. I just thought it would happen later, giving myself at least a year after Terry's passing.  I was okay with that, and actually in some ways will miss that.  Well, one can only rationalize so long before rationalizing becomes a very real part of life and we then miss the opportunities awaiting us.  So, I am trying to push myself to do more hard things, a little at a time, and it's becoming a work in progress.

image found on pinterest

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

Anyway,  as I was cleaning and rearranging things in the house the last couple days I came upon this frame I purchased (to use several years ago at my mom and dad's 50th anniversary - okay, that's another dream I will not see come to pass for Terry and I - it never will end you know - something will always be there to remind me).
Okay, what I really meant to say was this -
I found this frame that I purchased, but loved the quote and never put a photo in it after removing the picture we used at the anniversary celebration.

personal photo

Every yesterday

is a memory of

Happiness

Every tomorrow 

is a vision of

Hope and Love

Indeed!  The "tomorrows" that were happening in my life had become motionless. There wasn't always a focus on Hope and Love.

I'll see if I can forget the emphasis on dreams and focus more on a vision of Hope and Love for every tomorrow.


What a challenge!
But every challenge comes with a promise if we endure with faith.
I'm not expecting an overnight change, but maybe over the next few months.

In time, as I remain faithful and steadfast, my vision will become more clear and my dreams will take on a new direction and once again lead me to my happily ever after - one tomorrow at a time.

Love Living Your Religion

In my gospel study this morning I found a message from David A. Bednar to the BYU-I graduates from August 2002.  It was a short and simple, but profound message that I love. I share part of it in this post, to remind me.

Let me also suggest that we must not only live our religion, but we must love living our religion. Adherence to gospel principles and obedience to God's commandments are not drudgery we must somehow suffer through during mortality. Rather, gospel truth and obedience to eternal law are the very source and the very cause of true happiness. As the Prophet Joseph Smith plainly taught:

Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God. But we cannot keep all the commandments without first knowing them, and we cannot expect to know all, or more than we now know unless we comply with or keep those we have already received. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, Section Five, 1842-43, p. 255)

And as King Benjamin counseled his people in Mosiah 2:41:

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

You will be alright!

I was reading through the book my mom and dad gave me (about Terry's health journey) and wanted to write down a quote I had posted 4/22/2014 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow,

it empties today of its strength.”

― Corrie Ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

and an experience I posted 5/21/2014.

"As I was sitting in the infusion room yesterday I tried to recall my prayers and if I had felt any real answers to them.  I couldn't recall specific times that I had heard or felt a specific answer, but my mind immediately received an answer telling me that He [our Savior] promises to be with me.  That is what I need.  I need my Saviors love and I need Him every hour!

And, I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves us and hears and answers our prayers, even on His own time and in His own way.  He can make me strong."  

I was grateful to re-read that and to remember that I have been given many spiritual reminders that let me know that my Savior loves me.  

I also re-read that Terry knew the same thing -  I wrote this on 5/6/2014 while he was in the hospital last spring.

"As we were talking this morning he [Terry] remembered a special moment years ago after being diagnosed with this disease when the Lord told him - "I know you, I love you, and you will be alright!"

I know he is alright and that makes me happy.  I am just so grateful that we have had these witnesses in the past (and present) to let me know that I am going to be alright too.

I opened my planner to write down the quotes and thoughts I had just read and I found a couple notes that I had written in my planner earlier this week.  I had forgotten them until now and decided to get up and post about it.  

I went to Wenatchee for an appointment with the Social Security. I went early enough to take care of a couple other things and while at the counter of one business, giving personal information, the lady asked me "are you married?"  I hadn't been asked that since Terry passed away and it kinda caught me off guard.  How do I answer that?  

I knew she could see Terry's name on her screen and that he was my husband, and in my mind I am still married, and in the Lord's plan I am still married, but to them, I am not, so my answer came in a way of explanation as I informed her that Terry is my husband but he passed away in December.  She then put me on a new account, because Terry's account was no longer valid.   

I understood and wasn't too emotional about it.  It really is a fact of life right now that I am trying hard to deal with, and I had already emotionally lost it once this week (or last week) over a silly little thing someone said during testimony meeting in my mom and dad's ward last Sunday. (Yes, I felt rather foolish - all he said was that he was 91 years old today ... lucky guy huh! However, I know he lost his wife a few years ago ... not so lucky guy!)

Okay, next appointment was at the SS office and as I was answering questions they asked if our marriage ended at death.  What?  Again, I know the answer is NO!  Our marriage has not ended and I am so looking forward to eternity with my husband.  I am so grateful for Heavenly Father's plan, for our Savior's sacrifice, and for the priesthood and temple blessings that make this a fact. I am striving to be worthy of those blessings and promises.  

Well, I answered yes because I realize that they needed to differentiate that it was death and not divorce, and I know that our bodies did part at death, but they are wrong - our marriage did not end with that parting.  

I am pleased to say that I was emotionally stable through that too. I don't know why I was so emotional about that 91 year old, except that the man who spoke before this 91 year old man shared such a powerful testimony about his belief and faith in Christ - it was exactly what I was feeling which made me emotional already, so this one little phrase just set me off. I can't imagine what everyone around me was thinking, especially those on the stand who could see me so clearly.  It was a bit embarrassing. 

I'm okay!  

I'm okay!  ;/

I really am!  :)

It's a good feeling!

Thank you for your prayers!

   

MORE than just a PENNY

Just sharing my special couple minutes of my day with you and hoping that you too found a reason to smile today.


I found a penny today as I was cleaning the medical supplies out of the office cupboards.  It made me smile.  I know where it came from and it was a happy moment for me.

When we first started using the home infusion pump at SCCA in 2010 they suggested we use a penny to twist the parts together.  This penny was surely in that box of supplies for the last few years.

This penny was not worth much in the way of monetary value, but it did have more value than what the eye could see.  It was very valuable when considering what the heart felt.

This penny and the smile it brought me reminded me of this little poem I found last fall and pinned for a rainy day. It was a sunshiny day today, but I thought I'd share it anyway.  I love it!

Ponder

I read Ponder the Path of Thy Feet by President Thomas S. Monson (given October 2014 General Conference) this morning as part of my scripture study and lesson prep and knew I must post this quote to remind me.

 

"While we will find on our path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness."



I know this sounds strange - one of those oxymorons, but I too can testify that this is true.  And I am grateful for it.



This was first posted at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2015/01/bitter-sorrow-and-great-happiness.html