2 years

2 years without

I can't seem to finish that thought above.  Actually,  "without"  says what I mean.
There is an extreme emptiness.

When you lose someone close to you, a part of you goes with them.  Does that part ever come back? I'm two years out and finding that so far, that part has not returned.

However, I will say that I am slowly learning how to cope without that part of me, or with the new me. This learning process will surely take the rest of my lifetime, but I am grateful to be on the correct path and hope to remain on it until I reach my destination.


I heard a beautiful new song yesterday - The words could be my words ..., exactly!  Well, maybe not exactly, because he did put them together in a beautiful way.  But exactly my feelings.   It's like he read my mind and put this song together for me.  This is my new favorite!


  My Little Prayer - David Archuleta  

"My Little Prayer"

 Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
And that you are really there

Sometimes I am afraid
And I know that's lacking faith
But I'm beginning to understand
That for me you have a plan

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you sending your son
To die so that I live
And for never giving up

I'm learning everyday
That I won't always have my way
But I'm beginning to understand
That for me you have a plan

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you hearing my prayer
I am learning to be patient
And that you are really there

There are answers I'm receiving
No, they're not always immediate
Sometimes I have felt defeated
That's when I kneel down in prayer

You show me you hear my prayer
I'm amazed by how you care

Cause you hear
My little prayer

A Beautiful sound ..., A Beautiful message ...,  A Beautiful feeling ...

Terry is still a part of me, a very big part of me.

These quotes seem to tell my feelings.

"I keep myself busy with the things I do.  But every time I pause, I still think of you."      "My first thought in the morning is always of you."


So many times I do what I do because of him - something he said, something he did, something he expects of me, something he taught me ... .



Before Terry died I had hope.  Hope that he would get better.  Hope for a brighter future.  Hope for some fun travel together to see our children and grandchildren more often.  Even hope for another day, week, month, or year with him.

After he died my hope was gone - without that chance of recovery there was nothing more to hope for.  That was my bad!  I know that.  I know better.  But it was such a big part of my life that I couldn't see past it.

I should have always placed my hope in eternity, but it was more in mortality.  So when that hope was taken from me, I was lost.

I have always known of and believed in eternity, so that wasn't the problem.  I still believed, but my perspective had been skewed.

It probably took me longer than it should have, but I do believe I am finally getting it.  My hope is now in eternity.  That is what I live for!  An eternal perspective really makes things better.



There was a great quote on the program at church several months ago - probably for Fathers Day.  I had it with a stack of papers on my desk that I finally cleaned and organized  (oops!  kinda late with that.)
It speaks of fathers, but husbands or wives could fit in that sentence just as easily.

"A father's calling is eternal, and its importance transcends time.  It is a calling for both time and eternity."  Ezra Taft Benson

In seminary we have been learning how Christ's power is not limited by physical elements or distance. It is also not limited by time.

I am so grateful for our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, and for the gospel principles and ordinances and covenants that make eternity possible.

I am grateful that I have been sealed to my husband so that our love and life together can be more than just for time, because time just wasn't enough. Eternity gives us all ... all eternity.  That is JOY!



This week began with a tender mercy Sunday morning.  A special experience to help me feel the love of our Heavenly Father, our Savior, and from Terry.  I always thought it would be hard to lose someone around Christmas, but after experiencing it I feel so grateful that it happened that way.  The feel of Christmas is so wonderful and the focus on Christ seems to make it a perfect time, if it has to happen at all - and we know it does have to happen.  It is part of the glorious plan.


I am grateful!

SaveSave

10 December 2015

It's been one year since Terry passed away and I miss him terribly..., but I'm Fine!

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part.

God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart.

I prayed that I would be okay, and I continually tried to reassure myself that the Lord has been strengthening me these past six months and that I can do this.  I know it's true!

I wanted to celebrate and recall the great memories of our first 35 years and not dwell on the memories of being without him during this last year, nor dread the next however many years I have to live without him - because it's just too hard on a soul to be sad every second of the day.

I woke up Thursday morning with a peaceful feeling and felt that my day was going to be okay.

image from here

I went to teach seminary almost like it was any other day..., but I had a back up plan ready to set in motion if needed. (Thanks to a great friend that was ready and willing to prepare just in case, and then come take my place if my emotions got the best of me.)

I got to seminary and was surprised to see three students there early before I even entered the classroom, so I could sense a difference but didn't pay much attention to anything else except finding a place to put the things piled in my arms.

I noticed my lectern at one side of the room.  It had a plate of cookies and little hearts scattered around with encouraging words written on each. It immediately brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.

Awesomeness!  This is the plate of cookies and the hearts that were scattered around the table top

I then knew why the girls had come early and gratitude filled my whole soul.  I felt of their love, and put my things down on a table and went back to give them a hug.

Then they started to explain a few things and tell me more about it and that is when I noticed the rest of the room.  I felt silly for not having noticed it first, but my mind and eyes were on other things as I entered the room.  There was another "heart attack" on the white board, with notes from my students.

It was a beautiful sight to behold - beautiful to my eyes and to my heart and soul.  Of course my emotions surfaced again ...,

and again, when one of the boys walked in with this lovely arrangement.

I was able to teach that day and at the end of class I had a little cup of almond m&ms for each of them and asked them to give me a handshake or hug as they left, if they felt comfortable.  I have awesome students!   I am grateful for each one of them.  I love them!  I am grateful that God gave them to me.


I continued to feel a special spirit throughout the day.  I wished I could decipher whether that spirit was from Terry or from the Savior.  Then something special happened that afternoon and I knew that it was Terry that was with me, because immediately an impression came to me that was him talking to me in his familiar tone of voice and with words that he would have used, and my mind then knew what my heart had been feeling.  I was grateful to know he was with me.

Later that day as I was talking about that experience I realized that it really is awesome that I don't always know if it is Terry or the Spirit of the Lord with me, and that just means they are similar enough to each other that I cannot tell them apart.

I must certainly make sure my actions here on earth will make me the person that Terry wants back when the time comes.

In addition to this love shown at seminary, I received texts and phone calls and emails and visits that
kept me busy all day.  I am grateful for family and friends.  Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers on my behalf (and for my family too).

It certainly has been a difficult year ...,

image from here 

but it has included some special times that I will treasure.

I am not grateful that Terry left this earth life when he did, but I am grateful for our Savior and Heavenly Father who have proven that They are aware of me, my family and the situation They placed us in.  Sometimes I feel lost, but I am very aware of the fact that I am / We are not alone.

image from here 

This day was a tender mercy!