Great News!

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To Remind Me Notes from What's on the Other Side?

Notes I wrote on my book mark while reading the book What's on the Other Side? by Brent L. Top

The gospel teaches us that the most important learning is acquired through spiritual means.  (p13)

On the other side of the veil, there are perhaps seventy billion people.  They need the same gospel, and releases occur here to aid the Lord's work there.  Each release of a righteous individual from this life is also a call to new labors.  Those who have true hope understand this.  Therefore, though we miss the departed righteous so much here, hundreds may feel their touch there.  In God's ecology, talent and love are never wasted .... A mortal life may need to be 'shortened' by twenty years as we might view - but if so, it may be done in order for  special services to be rendered by that individual in the spirit world, services that will benefit thousands of new neighbors. (Neal A Maxwell, p33+)


Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ my "life  review" can be modified to feature the new me instead of the old one.  The sins I have repented of will be forgotten / not remembered.

Love is the answer for everything.

Every day, every moment I am writing my own eulogy. (p72)

Living day by day means doing everything each day with an eternal perspective. (p74)

To Remind Me Notes from Choose Higher Ground

All quotes in this post come from the book Choose Higher Ground by Henry B. Eyring.
(Keep in mind that I did not read the complete book.  I wasn't feeling up to it at the time, but did read parts of it, including all of  the highlights.  I am transferring the notes I wrote on my page marker onto this post.)

highlight area on p115

"The thought 'Someday I will' can be a thief of the opportunities of time and the blessings of eternity." (p3)

"The spirit who led the rebellion in the world before still opposes the plan and wants you to be miserable.  He wants you never to find your way home again.  That enemy of your soul knows you and your goodness. He know that if he can turn you away from walking in the light, he can both capture you and stop you from helping others along the journey."  (p30)

"Because you are so valuable, some of your trials may be severe.  You need never be discouraged or afraid.  The way through difficulties has always been prepared for you, and you will find it if you exercise faith." (p33)

"By the Spirit of Christ and by the Holy Ghost, you may walk confidently in whatever difficulties come." (p33)

"The great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the midst of the storms of life.  It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage." (p35)

"He will give us no test without preparing the way for us to pass it." (p64)

"The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of Their infinite love.  ...Then our spirits will be changed.  We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and thus be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead though tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life." (96)

"...the disciple who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle." (p97)

"The Lord always suits the relief to the person in need to best strengthen and purify him or her.  Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself." (p99)

"He set a course for each of us that can polish and perfect us to be with Him." (p101)

"Trials are necessary for us to be shaped and made fit to receive that happiness that comes as we qualify for the greatest of all the gifts of God." (p115)

"The tests we face, their severity, their timing, and their duration will be unique for each of us.  Two things will be the same for all of us.  1. The tests at times will stretch us enough for us to feel the need for help beyond our own, and 2. God in His kindness and wisdom has made the power of deliverance available to us." (p115)

"Through His experience the Savior came to know all our grief.  He could have known them by the inspiration of the Spirit.  But He chose instead to know by experiencing them for Himself." (p117)

"We can determine to rise up and pray in great faith and humility." (p122)

"You can and must go forward with confidence.  If you start determined to qualify for God's power of deliverance in all the trials of mortality, you will succeed.  You will be strengthened.  You will be guided around and through barriers.  Help and comfort will come.  Your faith in Heavenly Father and the Savior will be increased.  You will be strengthened to resist evil.  And you will feel the gospel of Jesus Christ working in your life." (p123)

"Your experience in enduring well in the trials of life by drawing on God's power of deliverance can bring you the assurance you need to find peace in this life an confidence for the next." (p124)

"The power of the Holy Ghost is real.  It will come, again and again.  And one overriding truth it will always testify to us that Jesus is the Christ.  That testimony will draw us to the Savior and to accepting the help He offers to all who are being tested in the crucible of mortality." (p129)

"Let us do whatever is required to qualify for the Holy Ghost as our companion, and then let us go forward fearlessly so that we will be given powers to do whatever the Lord calls us to do." (p144)

"I urge all of us, young and old, who are called to speak in a meeting in the name of the Lord to dismiss our feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.  We don't have to use soaring language or convey deep insights.  Simple words of testimony will do."  (p149)

"...give your best effort and your whole heart.  Do it cheerfully and with the prayer of faith.  Your efforts will be magnified in the lives of the people you serve." (p158)

"The Lord knew the trials we would face.  By faithful service and through His Atonement, we can come to want what He wants and be what we must be to bless those we serve for Him." (p166)

"If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill." (p237)

"Only a steady, ever increasing effort will allow the Lord to take us to higher ground."  (p244)

My Dream

I'm rambling this week ...


In yesterdays post, Spouse First!, I mentioned that my dreams must change -

"My dream of sitting out in the yard beside my husband, holding hands, enjoying the beautiful scenery, which would include our wonderful family around us, is no longer a dream I can create in this life." 

Serving a mission together in our "empty nest" years can no longer take place the way we dreamed it would.  Retiring and visiting our children and grandchildren together requires a new dream.

We often hear that we can make our dreams come true if we want to bad enough.  Well, that just isn't going to happen here no matter how much I want it or how hard I try.  There are many changes in the way my dreams will take shape now.

image from google search

Naturally, out of necessity, I am searching for a new dream ... still not quite sure if I really want to, but very sure that I need to.  I need to move forward and make life more meaningful.

Looking forward has been one of the hardest parts of this stage in my life.  It is a challenge that seems tremendously overwhelming, even teetering on impossible.  It's not part of the dream I always had, it is more like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.   The self centered human inside tells me that I don't want to continue this dream.  I don't want it to become the reality.
Like I could change it!

Wishing for what was won't change what is. So we keep moving forward.

But it's a hard thing.  (Ok, now I sound like Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon stories, and that is a real eye opener if nothing else is.)  I must remember that I can do hard things!

  

I know that our loving Father in Heaven is aware of my crushed dreams and my need to come up with a new dream.  I know He knows that I don't really want to, but need to if I am going to be ready for the blessings that await me and my spouse and our family.   I also know that He is giving me the nudge I need, after several months of mourning and sitting stagnant. (Yip! showing no activity; dull and sluggish, inactive, slow moving, lethargic, depressed, declining, dormant.  I was becoming, but not becoming anything good.)

I couldn't continue on that same path I had chosen and I knew it but was doing nothing to change it. I just thought it would happen later, giving myself at least a year after Terry's passing.  I was okay with that, and actually in some ways will miss that.  Well, one can only rationalize so long before rationalizing becomes a very real part of life and we then miss the opportunities awaiting us.  So, I am trying to push myself to do more hard things, a little at a time, and it's becoming a work in progress.

image found on pinterest

"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

Anyway,  as I was cleaning and rearranging things in the house the last couple days I came upon this frame I purchased (to use several years ago at my mom and dad's 50th anniversary - okay, that's another dream I will not see come to pass for Terry and I - it never will end you know - something will always be there to remind me).
Okay, what I really meant to say was this -
I found this frame that I purchased, but loved the quote and never put a photo in it after removing the picture we used at the anniversary celebration.

personal photo

Every yesterday

is a memory of

Happiness

Every tomorrow 

is a vision of

Hope and Love

Indeed!  The "tomorrows" that were happening in my life had become motionless. There wasn't always a focus on Hope and Love.

I'll see if I can forget the emphasis on dreams and focus more on a vision of Hope and Love for every tomorrow.


What a challenge!
But every challenge comes with a promise if we endure with faith.
I'm not expecting an overnight change, but maybe over the next few months.

In time, as I remain faithful and steadfast, my vision will become more clear and my dreams will take on a new direction and once again lead me to my happily ever after - one tomorrow at a time.

Message of Inspiration

I'm still cleaning and organizing, and finding things that inspire.

"Christ is the only beacon on which we can ultimately rely."

"Success is a journey, not a destination."

Upcoming General Conference

As always, I am so anxious for this upcoming General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.   How to View Live

image from here

It has always been worth every minute of my time and it has always been over too soon.  There is such a peaceful and powerful Spirit present during these messages from God's prophets and leaders.


General Conference begins with a Woman's Broadcast on March 28th at 5:00pm,  Then the following weekend, beginning Saturday, April 4th at 9:00am, we will have two wonderful days full of a spiritual feast that will bless the lives of all who partake.   How to View Live

Our ward RS has prepared a schedule of messages to read for a 6 week period of time to prepare for this upcoming conference.  You will find that challenge HERE.  I have been reading them and have found much joy and spiritual strength as I have participated in it.  Today's reading was another marvelous message from our prophet, Thomas S. Monson, given in April 2008 General Conference, and it spoke to me personally, as it may to you too. That message can be found HERE.   It certainly applies to each and every one of us.  I do often take notes as I read the scheduled messages and I decided to post today's notes here.



Change for the better can come to all. 

... show kindness and respect for all people everywhere. 

May we also demonstrate kindness and love within our own families. Our homes are to be more than sanctuaries; they should also be places where God’s Spirit can dwell, where the storm stops at the door, where love reigns and peace dwells.

The adversary and his hosts seem to be working nonstop to cause our downfall.

We are waging a war with sin, my brothers and sisters, but we need not despair. It is a war we can and will win. Our Father in Heaven has given us the tools we need in order to do so. He is at the helm. We have nothing to fear. He is the God of light. He is the God of hope. I testify that He loves us—each one.

Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” ⁶ We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.




General Conference is full of wonderful messages like these and I look forward to more this spring.

image from here

Just a thought as I was reading something earlier (and I want to remember):

Take a deep breath and step forward.  Repeat as necessary.

Even if those steps are baby steps.  :)

I do have to do this on occasion ..., several occasions actually, but what really helps is the prayer in my heart ... at all times ... and especially just before I step forward - or even as I am stepping forward.

This Morning's Reading

My thoughts were rolling  as we read during our family scripture and prayer this morning.  I spent some personal time afterward reading the footnotes and doing some more study and pondering on the subject.  I love the scriptures.  They are the word of God.  As I was studying I felt the desire to post my thoughts, so here is my attempt to do so.

One must remember that there is so much more in my mind and heart than what I can say in writing, so much of what I felt can not be expressed as clearly as how I felt them, but I put it in writing to remind me at some future time in my life when I might need it most.   I hope to remember the peace and comfort that accompanied my reading and that accompanies my every moment in life.  I do know that others read my blog and I hope that everyone who reads my writings might find them somehow uplifting to their souls.  I wish to testify of the love and peace I feel from Christ, our Friend and Savior.  I am so grateful for the blessings that come from knowing Him, and from learning of and living His Gospel.

from here

I don't mean to compare myself or Terry to the Savior, but only to compare this sentence in Mosiah 15:7 

"... the will of the Son being swallowed up in the will of the Father."

For months, even years, we have been praying much like Christ did; 

"Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done."  Luke 22:42   

Again, I wish to clarify that I do not compare to Christ, but only to the words in that sentence.   We prayed, over and over again, that Terry's illness be removed from him, truly believing that it could and would be, but always trying to accept the Father's will.   

I have accepted the will of the Father many times in my life previous to now, but none seem so difficult as accepting the will of the Father in taking my husband from me for the rest of my life on earth.   I truly do feel swallowed up in it, and I am so grateful to know that it is the Father's will.  Our Heavenly Father has taken Terry, leaving me alone (alone, in this case, means without my husband on earth) but He has not left me without comfort ..., I know I am not completely alone, and I haven't enough words to express how grateful I truly feel for that comfort.   

After Christ spoke those words, asking for the Father's will to be done, we read that 

"there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him." Luke 22:43

No angel has appeared to me, but I have felt a strength from heaven.

Verse 44 continues, 

"And being in agony he prayed more earnestly."

This was interesting to me because I have felt in agony many times.  I know that Christ's pain was much more and different than mine, but I have felt emotional agony.  I worry about being out in public when one of those moments might hit.   Each time I feel that emotional agony I pray more earnestly and I feel that strength from heaven, from our Father, lifting me and helping me, and once again I am reminded that He knows me, He loves me, and I will be alright.



I don't know how to envision it, but I do know, in my mind and in my heart, that I will see Terry again and we will live together again, for eternity.  How joyous that is!  

Each time I begin to falter I try to remember the promise of eternal life and the path I must take to get there.  I remember that I can not feel complete peace during a time of complete loss of emotional control.  I must stand strong and move forward, every step being guided and even physically lifted as if someone were walking at my side steadying my way and giving me strength to take the next step. This does not mean that I never falter, it means that I know where to turn when I do. 

image from google search

"Heaven's Light is always just a prayer away!"

Among other places, we read about Christ's grand purpose in coming to earth in John 6:38 - 

"For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me."  

Consider our purpose for coming to earth.  Is it not to do the will of our Father?  In a much lesser role, but still to do His will, accept His will, obey His will.  His will be done! 

And we, ourselves, want to do this - we want to do the will of the Father, because 

"...every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life..."  John 6:40

I do want everlasting life, so I will strive daily to 

"learn of [Him], and listen to [His] words; walk in the meekness of [His] Spirit, and [I] shall have peace in [Him]."  D&C 19:23

and I shall have everlasting life, with my eternal companion ...,
and it will be worth it!

"While there may be thorns and disappointments, while there may be heartache, even heartbreak, there can be peace and comfort and strength from the Lord for those who follow Him."  

- Gordon B. Hinckley

My faith and my strength is in my Savior!  

SaveSave

You will be alright!

I was reading through the book my mom and dad gave me (about Terry's health journey) and wanted to write down a quote I had posted 4/22/2014 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow,

it empties today of its strength.”

― Corrie Ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

and an experience I posted 5/21/2014.

"As I was sitting in the infusion room yesterday I tried to recall my prayers and if I had felt any real answers to them.  I couldn't recall specific times that I had heard or felt a specific answer, but my mind immediately received an answer telling me that He [our Savior] promises to be with me.  That is what I need.  I need my Saviors love and I need Him every hour!

And, I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves us and hears and answers our prayers, even on His own time and in His own way.  He can make me strong."  

I was grateful to re-read that and to remember that I have been given many spiritual reminders that let me know that my Savior loves me.  

I also re-read that Terry knew the same thing -  I wrote this on 5/6/2014 while he was in the hospital last spring.

"As we were talking this morning he [Terry] remembered a special moment years ago after being diagnosed with this disease when the Lord told him - "I know you, I love you, and you will be alright!"

I know he is alright and that makes me happy.  I am just so grateful that we have had these witnesses in the past (and present) to let me know that I am going to be alright too.

I opened my planner to write down the quotes and thoughts I had just read and I found a couple notes that I had written in my planner earlier this week.  I had forgotten them until now and decided to get up and post about it.  

I went to Wenatchee for an appointment with the Social Security. I went early enough to take care of a couple other things and while at the counter of one business, giving personal information, the lady asked me "are you married?"  I hadn't been asked that since Terry passed away and it kinda caught me off guard.  How do I answer that?  

I knew she could see Terry's name on her screen and that he was my husband, and in my mind I am still married, and in the Lord's plan I am still married, but to them, I am not, so my answer came in a way of explanation as I informed her that Terry is my husband but he passed away in December.  She then put me on a new account, because Terry's account was no longer valid.   

I understood and wasn't too emotional about it.  It really is a fact of life right now that I am trying hard to deal with, and I had already emotionally lost it once this week (or last week) over a silly little thing someone said during testimony meeting in my mom and dad's ward last Sunday. (Yes, I felt rather foolish - all he said was that he was 91 years old today ... lucky guy huh! However, I know he lost his wife a few years ago ... not so lucky guy!)

Okay, next appointment was at the SS office and as I was answering questions they asked if our marriage ended at death.  What?  Again, I know the answer is NO!  Our marriage has not ended and I am so looking forward to eternity with my husband.  I am so grateful for Heavenly Father's plan, for our Savior's sacrifice, and for the priesthood and temple blessings that make this a fact. I am striving to be worthy of those blessings and promises.  

Well, I answered yes because I realize that they needed to differentiate that it was death and not divorce, and I know that our bodies did part at death, but they are wrong - our marriage did not end with that parting.  

I am pleased to say that I was emotionally stable through that too. I don't know why I was so emotional about that 91 year old, except that the man who spoke before this 91 year old man shared such a powerful testimony about his belief and faith in Christ - it was exactly what I was feeling which made me emotional already, so this one little phrase just set me off. I can't imagine what everyone around me was thinking, especially those on the stand who could see me so clearly.  It was a bit embarrassing. 

I'm okay!  

I'm okay!  ;/

I really am!  :)

It's a good feeling!

Thank you for your prayers!

   

One of Those Days!

The doctors and nurses at SCCA always told us that the transplant days would become a new date to celebrate because of the new life extended for the patient.

We didn't ever get that new life - there was nothing concerning Terry's health changed for the better that we could see, and we never did celebrate either transplant date.  Those two days were just another day on the calendar to us.  In all honesty, for me they actually became days of disappointment knowing that the transplant didn't work, and I try to forget them.

However, every year, for several years now, at the beginning of each year, I go through my new planner and write in the birthdays and celebration of each family member.  I had done this for 2015 in November 2014, but I was looking through my planner Sunday morning circling the dates so I would see them more easily so as not to forget (I have forgotten lately and I hate that feeling - my mind is still not clear as it should be).  

As I did I obviously noticed the celebrations of our anniversary in Feb, and Terry's bday in July, and then came to December and of course remembered that the 10th would be the first anniversary of Terry's passing away.

Thoughts started flowing through my mind and I wondered if I should write anything on the calendar to mark that date or just leave it.  I know I won't forget it, but do I really want to remember or celebrate it?   I had an interesting feeling that I did want to remember it, for in one way it truly is the day that we had been praying for.  

It didn't come in a way we had hoped, but it did come.  Terry has been given that new life - one that is free from suffering and pain.  His cancer is gone ..., and that is what we had prayed for.

I don't know if I will celebrate the day, but I will celebrate the life ..., his life and his life with me and with our children/including their spouses and grandchildren.

I miss him, but I'm sure it will be a good year for him ..., maybe his best ever, at least concerning health issues.   We will see how I feel come December 10th and how we treat that day, but for now I am trying to count my blessings and be grateful for the joys of life that do still exist (though they are harder to enjoy without my husband at my side ....  just sayin'!).

I'm keeping busy and trying to make this new life of mine something that will be better and better as time goes on.  One thing that is ever present is the fact that I love Terry and miss him, but also ever present is the fact that the Savior is with me and helping me through it all.  I am so amazed at the almost tangent feeling that is present in my heart and mind and soul, lifting me and helping me through every part of my days and night.  I am grateful for His love for me and I know He is aware of my every need and will help me and my family through anything else that comes our way.  I also want to add that I know that Terry loves me and that he is just as anxious to be at my side as I am to be with him.

At this time in my life I know more than ever that I must trust in the Lord with all my heart because I do not know how to do it on my own.  In reality, I guess I do know that I cannot do it on my own.

Proverbs 3: 5

• Old Testament

5¶ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart ; and lean not unto thine own understanding . 

It is not possible for me to remain strong and true and steadfast on my own - it is faith in Jesus Christ and trusting Him that has helped me through every trial and disappointment and frustration in my life, and it is that same (but hopefully stronger) faith in Jesus Christ that will help me through this challenge in my life.

I was reading a message given by Ardeth G. Kapp in 2004, titled Pray Not for Light Burdens but for Strong Backs where I found this quote that seemed to speak to me today.  Sister Kapp said;

The writings of Orson F. Whitney help us understand the need for adversity:

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God. . . . And it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven. [Quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Tragedy or Destiny,Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (6 December 1955), 6]

This is true.  Imagine what we would be if we did not strive with all our might and strength and put our faith and trust in the Lord.  It isn't hard to see what we must do.

In that same message by Sister Kapp, she testified of something that I too can testify of.  Using her words, but adding my witness ...,

I can testify from my own experience in life, that some of our heaviest burdens, disappointments, and heartaches can in time be replaced with “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Phillipians 4:7) while “we wait upon the Lord” (Isaiah 40:31).

I have re-read (many times) the talk I gave at Stake Conference in 2009 I titled Thank You for Waiting.   More than ever before I am grateful for that opportunity to speak on that subject because returning often to that message has helped me remember to wait patiently on the Lord, and that waiting implies something more than just sitting around waiting for something to just happen.

“to wait = to remain true to Him, to remain strongly attached while staying put or still until something expected happens.”


I do expect something to happen.  Among those things that I expect are these -
I expect the Lord to fill my heart with joy and love and help me through the rest of my life without my husband at my side in his mortal form.
I expect to find joy and love with my family and friends while still on earth in our mortal form.
I expect to live my life so that I can return to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ and to see and live with my husband forever after this mortal life, in greater joy and happiness than I have ever or will ever know on this mortal journey.
I expect the Lord to lift my soul, and even my physical body at times when I am not strong enough to carry on in my own strength.
I expect the Lord to help each member of my family with each individual need and righteous desire that is theirs, and mine for them.

I expect these things and more, because I know that the Lord has promised them to me if I do my part, and I promise to do my part so that I may partake of those promised blessings.  I know He loves me, and that is enough to help me continue on.  I know I am not perfect, which means that I will falter, but I know that He will help me do my part. Isn't that wonderful?  IT IS WONDERFUL TO ME! 

We are never really alone when we invite the Lord into our lives.


---


I just finished this post, stopping right above those three little lines just above this sentence, when I learned of some heart breaking news that took me from this post and into a deep concern that I could not stand or bear on my own.  It took me to my knees and I spoke out loud to the Lord about it through a raging storm of emotion and tears.  It has been several days since I have felt that low and it is a place I don't like to be.  However, I truly can testify that no matter how low we are, no matter how challenging the hardship or trial, our Savior IS here.

This trial is not over by any means.  This part of it is just beginning, but I will rely on the Lord and He will help me.  With His help we will come out of this stronger and better for it!


I don't know why I felt I should write this, maybe just to remind myself or to give myself strength to carry on.  Sometimes speaking out loud and writing our thoughts helps us overcome and gives us courage and strength that we need.  Maybe that is why I'm sharing it.  Maybe it is to remind me (and anyone else who might need to remember) that hard things do happen to us and can and will at any given moment, but we can prevail.  Maybe I share it because it's good to share the "bad" that happens so that others don't always think that life is easy because we always share only the "good".  Life is so ... real!

I wondered if I should just click on publish without this addition, but do feel the need to add it, so I'm following through.   However, I hope it doesn't affect anyone adversely nor send extra concern toward me.  I do not need extra attention ..., honestly, I am fine!   I FEEL MY SAVIORS LOVE!


I have enjoyed this quote for years now and love to look at the different images associated with it.  Life is Good.   (I used some of these fun images in an earlier  post I titled Did You Know.  I wonder why I haven't a pinterest board dedicated to these images?  Hmmm!  Thinking ....  I do now!)

image from here

Here is a little more about a good life -

image from here

I'm in a mood I guess, and just can't stop ..., so here is a saying I found and posted a year ago (here) -

image here

Life is good when we know where to turn.  And I do know where to turn.

Now one more scripture I feel like adding:

3 Nephi 9:14

14 Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.  

So now I'm going to get up and keep going ...
because I must and I can ...
I feel rejuvenated ..., maybe that is why I finished this post ..., it's my pep talk ..., to myself.

Oh Bother! I have started a PROJECT that doesn't end ...

I have spent the week cleaning and organizing and rearranging and moving things from one room to another.  As I look around I see that the house is even more cluttered and in need of attention.  Too many things are in limbo waiting for the proper place to put them, and every room is stuffed with stuff that needs moved.  I started one of those projects that has a domino effect and it's going to be a long process.

Good news:
My Christmas decor (including the trees) is all taken down and put away.
All of my holiday decor is now stored away - everything tight and comfy in it's new spot.

Bad news:
I miss the lights.

So,
Good news:
I moved the lamp Terry made in high school into the entrance hall - I leave the light on to replace the light from the trees.  I like it!  I haven't decorated that room yet, (and I need to dust that lamp) but at least the lamp is there ..., and on - spreading light through my life, day and night.

Putting the Christmas decor away allowed me to put things back in the family room.  That took me a long time but I really enjoyed filling my shelves with those precious things - things of no monetary value, but things that are close to my heart and bring back memories of people and places and love - memories of life.   I'm preserving memories with those precious things.

Elaine's precious things on the left, Terry's precious things on the right.

Everything in these shelves has a story, a reason for being precious to me - each item is part of life before and after I met Terry.  I am so grateful for my life and those people, places, and things that have filled it to this point.  I will continue to try and make the best of the rest of my life.

I'm off to keep cleaning and organizing!  Spring cleaning a bit early this year and it looks like it's going to take me several months, through Summer and Fall.   It's exhausting, but it is also rewarding.   I haven't done this deep of cleaning throughout the house in a long time.   Looking forward to good things ahead.

A Sunday Lesson

I was studying in The Gospel Principles book today and found that, once again, the things I have been taught my whole life affect me in a different way now.  I don't know if they take on new meaning, but there is something new about it.  My heart and mind seem to focus toward things pertaining to Terry and our eternal relationship more than ever before, even though it was something I thought about before, I believed before, and was grateful for before. There is something different with it all now.  

This post could have been put in my To Remind Me blog, but because it is about Terry I wanted it here.  (I've wondered about putting those two blogs together - I just did add a few posts from that blog and each is post dated to the time I had originally posted in that other blog, each under the label To Remind Me.) 

I have chosen to share the quote from the book (in bold) and then the thoughts that came to me about that quote.

"Our Father in Heaven knows who we are and ... He has chosen the time and place for each of us to be born so we can learn the lessons we personally need and do the most good with our individual talents and personalities."

I know that it is our Father's plan that Terry's life on earth was at the time it was and for only the time it was.  I don't understand why it was as short a time as it was, but I do know it was the Lord's will.  I am grateful that we met and married and lived and loved each other for almost 35 years in happiness and joy with a family that is eternal. Terry has done much good - he has helped and taught me and has been a great blessing in my life. I will remember his words of encouragement, counsel, and truth, and it will guide me for the rest of my life. We often talked about how grateful we were that we had found each other and how it always felt so right.  That is still true.

"[Our Heavenly Father] wanted us to develop the godlike qualities that He has."

As I read this I immediately thought of the talk Gregory gave at Terry's funeral (see the post Christlike Characteristics).  I have some work to do on that part of my life.  I am so grateful for the qualities that Terry had developed and how they blessed my life.

"If we passed our tests, we would receive the fulness of joy that our Heavenly Father has received."

Thoughts that came to me as I read this were about an experience I had while Terry was in the hospital. 

I was frustrated, scared, disappointed, and desirous of a miracle. We had just studied about Job in our primary class so that scripture story was fresh on my mind.  I was comparing all of Jobs trials to Terry's trials - the new pains and infections that were tormenting his body seemed to be coming faster and harder ..., and he was being strong and faithful through them all so why were there so many.   I was having a "conversation with the Lord" about this fact and how Terry had not "charged God foolishly" nor had he or would he "curse God and die". With everything that has been thrown at him Terry "held fast his integrity".   

I continued with more complaints (I guess that is the best word to fit what I was doing) and I guess I was trying to convince the Lord that He could heal Terry and allow him to live with us on earth in good health for a long long time still and that Terry would serve Him well in whatever capacity He would require of him during that future life.  

As I was comparing Terry to Job and sharing all of this with the Lord I told the Lord that Job didn't loose his life, so why should Terry have to?  It was then that these words came to me clear and strong, yet ever so soft and reverent - "Terry has passed his test, now it is my turn" - Oh my goodness ..., I was Job.  I am the one that will loose my beloved family member and therefore possibly tempted to curse God and die - will I stand firm and faithful?  

I promised that very moment that I would.  I told the Lord that He could trust me to do so, and He knows that, so could He please remove this trial from me and allow a miracle to take place.  Well, we know that was one prayer that was not answered in the affirmative. I really wish I didn't have to prove myself in this way.  

Even with all of this sorrow I really do promise to "hold fast my integrity" and stand firm and faithful, enduring to the end, trusting the Lord.  That is the only way that our eternal marriage will remain in effect, and I want those blessings more than anything else.

  

"The purpose of our progression: to have a fulness of joy."  

Before we came to earth we learned that all of us would have trials in our lives: sickness, disappointment, pain, sorrow, and death.  (For me these seemed to come all at once.)  But we understood that these would be given to us for our experience and our good.  If we allowed them to, these trials would purify us rather than defeat us.  They would teach us to have endurance, patience, and charity.

I have a lot to learn!  Some day I want to have that fulness of joy. 

There is beauty all around

This past week included some tender days but they were necessary and overall they were good days. The more I learn the better I feel about things, until I realize that the more I learn the more I know I don't really know.

We have begun the almost dreaded domino of meetings that are to help me do what is required at this time in my life.  At the end of each meeting I am asked if I have any more questions and I don't at that time, but I usually do in a day or two when I realize that there is so much more I don't know.

It has been good to have Thomas with me at these meetings because he has more knowledge about this farm (due to experience) than my limited knowledge and understanding.  I was raising family and then taking care of Terry, and the farm just kinda happened without me.  I did pick up parts and run other errands at times and I have occasionally helped write out some checks, but my brain really tried to stay away from the rest of the farm stuff.  I didn't know that someday I would need that information in a very important way.


Business meetings will continue to take place but I'm looking forward to the day when they are fewer in number and frequency, and when I understand enough that they can be shorter in duration as well.  I am grateful that those people who are helping and teaching me are good people that really are helping and teaching me with patience and kindness.


Here is what the sky looked like when we left the accountants office the other day.  I thought the colors were beautiful.  We also noticed a long line of birds flying up there.  I didn't realize that they were still there when I took the picture but they span from one end of the photo to the other, single file.  It is hard to see, but they are there - I guess you can play I SPY again (first with the bunny and now with the birds).

I have been going through some of Terry's things trying to clean, organize, and learn all that I can.   Many memories have come into my mind and heart as I have continued with this process and found things he had kept.

It is a strange thing to feel so sad that Terry is not here and yet be so grateful for the many wonderful and beautiful experiences we did share together.  How does that happen..., feeling so high and so low at the same time?  I almost wish I had done this cleaning while Terry was here because there have been so many times that I want to ask him about something I've found.   I do miss being able to talk to him.  It's a loss that cannot be replaced - even though I can talk to others, it's him I want to talk to.

Here is one thing he kept that may have been saved for the message at the top because there doesn't seem to be any other reason for it - MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT - from the top of an old bank note.

I have also been writing thank yous and going through the cards I have received.  Of course, that has been a very tender time.  I keep wanting to sign his name first.  Maybe I should have because surely he would like to thank everyone too.

Positive Thinking!

(image from pinterest)

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  

- Winnie the Pooh

We sang the song God Be With You Till We Meet Again for the closing song at Terry's funeral.  This was not originally meant to be a funeral song, but has been used many times for funerals.  However, to me, this song seems to be sung more by the person who has passed on instead of those left behind. We here on earth need God to "uphold us".   I know Terry is in good hands and is taken care of - I do not worry for him because I know he is fine.   It is those of us here that need His help.

FYI - This song and some history about it can be found here.

The words are lovely, and they testify that we will meet again!  I love that!  I look forward to that with great excitement.

God be with you till we meet again By his counsels guide, uphold you 

With his sheep securely fold you God be with you till we meet again

Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again

Till we meet, till we meet, till we meet at Jesus’ feet

Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again

God be with you till we meet again

We will meet again at Jesus' feet if we strive to remain true and faithful, and our "good-byes" will seem but a small moment, with our hello being so very joyful and pleasant.

I don't know if I can take life any faster right now, but sometimes I wish there was a fast forward switch so I could already see him again.  I'll try to wait patiently.

The Drivers Seat

I can only recall one time being in the drivers seat since driving Terry to Wenatchee on Tuesday morning (the 9th) and that was the next day to take Anthony into the school to get his car.  

The boys have been driving me wherever I needed to go and I was "numb" enough to let it happen without concern, and I even knew it was for the best because I wasn't sure I could function well enough to drive safely.  

But then one day I noticed I was feeling quite unnerved at not being behind the wheel and decided it was time to take my place in the drivers seat again (where I had been for many years).   So our trip to Idaho was all mine.  We made some well timed rest stops and played some music and ate some snacks to help with the long drive.   

I remember when I started driving everywhere after Terry started his first chemo treatments.  I reminded myself of my grandmother who drove everywhere she and grandpa went.  Her reason for driving (if I have my information correct) was because she was just too nervous when grandpa drove. My reason to start driving was for a different reason, but after I started driving so much of the time I began to feel uncomfortable when others drove.  That uncomfortable feeling left me for a couple weeks but it has returned and I found myself hogging' the wheel. 

I needed that!

It is one of those things about me that I need to have as a constant in my day to day life.  With so much around me and about me changing I feel the need to not let everything change in every way. 

It makes me feel like I might start mending one little particle at a time. There will always be a part of me missing, but I hope in time that will make me stronger, rather than weaker ..., because I want eternity.   I look forward to it.

I love my Savior and I can feel my Savior's love ..., 

"He will not always take your afflictions from you, 

but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."  

- Thomas S. Monson

and I love my husband and I still feel my husbands love for me ..., 

Oh! ..., and ...

It felt good to feel good to be home.  Strange feeling!   A tender mercy / small miracle!

Ponder

I read Ponder the Path of Thy Feet by President Thomas S. Monson (given October 2014 General Conference) this morning as part of my scripture study and lesson prep and knew I must post this quote to remind me.

 

"While we will find on our path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness."



I know this sounds strange - one of those oxymorons, but I too can testify that this is true.  And I am grateful for it.



This was first posted at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2015/01/bitter-sorrow-and-great-happiness.html