A Sunday Lesson

I was studying in The Gospel Principles book today and found that, once again, the things I have been taught my whole life affect me in a different way now.  I don't know if they take on new meaning, but there is something new about it.  My heart and mind seem to focus toward things pertaining to Terry and our eternal relationship more than ever before, even though it was something I thought about before, I believed before, and was grateful for before. There is something different with it all now.  

This post could have been put in my To Remind Me blog, but because it is about Terry I wanted it here.  (I've wondered about putting those two blogs together - I just did add a few posts from that blog and each is post dated to the time I had originally posted in that other blog, each under the label To Remind Me.) 

I have chosen to share the quote from the book (in bold) and then the thoughts that came to me about that quote.

"Our Father in Heaven knows who we are and ... He has chosen the time and place for each of us to be born so we can learn the lessons we personally need and do the most good with our individual talents and personalities."

I know that it is our Father's plan that Terry's life on earth was at the time it was and for only the time it was.  I don't understand why it was as short a time as it was, but I do know it was the Lord's will.  I am grateful that we met and married and lived and loved each other for almost 35 years in happiness and joy with a family that is eternal. Terry has done much good - he has helped and taught me and has been a great blessing in my life. I will remember his words of encouragement, counsel, and truth, and it will guide me for the rest of my life. We often talked about how grateful we were that we had found each other and how it always felt so right.  That is still true.

"[Our Heavenly Father] wanted us to develop the godlike qualities that He has."

As I read this I immediately thought of the talk Gregory gave at Terry's funeral (see the post Christlike Characteristics).  I have some work to do on that part of my life.  I am so grateful for the qualities that Terry had developed and how they blessed my life.

"If we passed our tests, we would receive the fulness of joy that our Heavenly Father has received."

Thoughts that came to me as I read this were about an experience I had while Terry was in the hospital. 

I was frustrated, scared, disappointed, and desirous of a miracle. We had just studied about Job in our primary class so that scripture story was fresh on my mind.  I was comparing all of Jobs trials to Terry's trials - the new pains and infections that were tormenting his body seemed to be coming faster and harder ..., and he was being strong and faithful through them all so why were there so many.   I was having a "conversation with the Lord" about this fact and how Terry had not "charged God foolishly" nor had he or would he "curse God and die". With everything that has been thrown at him Terry "held fast his integrity".   

I continued with more complaints (I guess that is the best word to fit what I was doing) and I guess I was trying to convince the Lord that He could heal Terry and allow him to live with us on earth in good health for a long long time still and that Terry would serve Him well in whatever capacity He would require of him during that future life.  

As I was comparing Terry to Job and sharing all of this with the Lord I told the Lord that Job didn't loose his life, so why should Terry have to?  It was then that these words came to me clear and strong, yet ever so soft and reverent - "Terry has passed his test, now it is my turn" - Oh my goodness ..., I was Job.  I am the one that will loose my beloved family member and therefore possibly tempted to curse God and die - will I stand firm and faithful?  

I promised that very moment that I would.  I told the Lord that He could trust me to do so, and He knows that, so could He please remove this trial from me and allow a miracle to take place.  Well, we know that was one prayer that was not answered in the affirmative. I really wish I didn't have to prove myself in this way.  

Even with all of this sorrow I really do promise to "hold fast my integrity" and stand firm and faithful, enduring to the end, trusting the Lord.  That is the only way that our eternal marriage will remain in effect, and I want those blessings more than anything else.

  

"The purpose of our progression: to have a fulness of joy."  

Before we came to earth we learned that all of us would have trials in our lives: sickness, disappointment, pain, sorrow, and death.  (For me these seemed to come all at once.)  But we understood that these would be given to us for our experience and our good.  If we allowed them to, these trials would purify us rather than defeat us.  They would teach us to have endurance, patience, and charity.

I have a lot to learn!  Some day I want to have that fulness of joy. 

There is beauty all around

This past week included some tender days but they were necessary and overall they were good days. The more I learn the better I feel about things, until I realize that the more I learn the more I know I don't really know.

We have begun the almost dreaded domino of meetings that are to help me do what is required at this time in my life.  At the end of each meeting I am asked if I have any more questions and I don't at that time, but I usually do in a day or two when I realize that there is so much more I don't know.

It has been good to have Thomas with me at these meetings because he has more knowledge about this farm (due to experience) than my limited knowledge and understanding.  I was raising family and then taking care of Terry, and the farm just kinda happened without me.  I did pick up parts and run other errands at times and I have occasionally helped write out some checks, but my brain really tried to stay away from the rest of the farm stuff.  I didn't know that someday I would need that information in a very important way.


Business meetings will continue to take place but I'm looking forward to the day when they are fewer in number and frequency, and when I understand enough that they can be shorter in duration as well.  I am grateful that those people who are helping and teaching me are good people that really are helping and teaching me with patience and kindness.


Here is what the sky looked like when we left the accountants office the other day.  I thought the colors were beautiful.  We also noticed a long line of birds flying up there.  I didn't realize that they were still there when I took the picture but they span from one end of the photo to the other, single file.  It is hard to see, but they are there - I guess you can play I SPY again (first with the bunny and now with the birds).

I have been going through some of Terry's things trying to clean, organize, and learn all that I can.   Many memories have come into my mind and heart as I have continued with this process and found things he had kept.

It is a strange thing to feel so sad that Terry is not here and yet be so grateful for the many wonderful and beautiful experiences we did share together.  How does that happen..., feeling so high and so low at the same time?  I almost wish I had done this cleaning while Terry was here because there have been so many times that I want to ask him about something I've found.   I do miss being able to talk to him.  It's a loss that cannot be replaced - even though I can talk to others, it's him I want to talk to.

Here is one thing he kept that may have been saved for the message at the top because there doesn't seem to be any other reason for it - MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT - from the top of an old bank note.

I have also been writing thank yous and going through the cards I have received.  Of course, that has been a very tender time.  I keep wanting to sign his name first.  Maybe I should have because surely he would like to thank everyone too.

Sweet Moment

This morning was like several of the last few mornings, but a bit more chill in the air.  I had made plans to be gone early this morning, but those plans were changed last night as I contemplated my day and week ahead.  So that left me home to view this sweet moment in time.

I looked out the kitchen window to this tree we just planted and found a friend.  I have enjoyed having that tree there and watching it daily as I stand at the sink.  It is where my eyes focus while I'm looking out that window, and this morning it was delightful to see this little bunny enjoying it too.  It brought a smile to my face and heart that felt so good.

can you see the rabbit under the tree?

There is something joyful about seeing these little creatures (even if they do destroy a garden in no time) and I love to see them whenever they are brave and decide to show themselves (especially since there is no garden to destroy at the moment).

The sky was pretty too, and it wasn't long before the sun came through the window as I was sitting back at the table taking care of some paper work.  It is a beautiful morning!  I love beautiful mornings!

I hope you are having a beautiful morning too.

Positive Thinking!

(image from pinterest)

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  

- Winnie the Pooh

We sang the song God Be With You Till We Meet Again for the closing song at Terry's funeral.  This was not originally meant to be a funeral song, but has been used many times for funerals.  However, to me, this song seems to be sung more by the person who has passed on instead of those left behind. We here on earth need God to "uphold us".   I know Terry is in good hands and is taken care of - I do not worry for him because I know he is fine.   It is those of us here that need His help.

FYI - This song and some history about it can be found here.

The words are lovely, and they testify that we will meet again!  I love that!  I look forward to that with great excitement.

God be with you till we meet again By his counsels guide, uphold you 

With his sheep securely fold you God be with you till we meet again

Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again

Till we meet, till we meet, till we meet at Jesus’ feet

Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again

God be with you till we meet again

We will meet again at Jesus' feet if we strive to remain true and faithful, and our "good-byes" will seem but a small moment, with our hello being so very joyful and pleasant.

I don't know if I can take life any faster right now, but sometimes I wish there was a fast forward switch so I could already see him again.  I'll try to wait patiently.

The Drivers Seat

I can only recall one time being in the drivers seat since driving Terry to Wenatchee on Tuesday morning (the 9th) and that was the next day to take Anthony into the school to get his car.  

The boys have been driving me wherever I needed to go and I was "numb" enough to let it happen without concern, and I even knew it was for the best because I wasn't sure I could function well enough to drive safely.  

But then one day I noticed I was feeling quite unnerved at not being behind the wheel and decided it was time to take my place in the drivers seat again (where I had been for many years).   So our trip to Idaho was all mine.  We made some well timed rest stops and played some music and ate some snacks to help with the long drive.   

I remember when I started driving everywhere after Terry started his first chemo treatments.  I reminded myself of my grandmother who drove everywhere she and grandpa went.  Her reason for driving (if I have my information correct) was because she was just too nervous when grandpa drove. My reason to start driving was for a different reason, but after I started driving so much of the time I began to feel uncomfortable when others drove.  That uncomfortable feeling left me for a couple weeks but it has returned and I found myself hogging' the wheel. 

I needed that!

It is one of those things about me that I need to have as a constant in my day to day life.  With so much around me and about me changing I feel the need to not let everything change in every way. 

It makes me feel like I might start mending one little particle at a time. There will always be a part of me missing, but I hope in time that will make me stronger, rather than weaker ..., because I want eternity.   I look forward to it.

I love my Savior and I can feel my Savior's love ..., 

"He will not always take your afflictions from you, 

but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."  

- Thomas S. Monson

and I love my husband and I still feel my husbands love for me ..., 

Oh! ..., and ...

It felt good to feel good to be home.  Strange feeling!   A tender mercy / small miracle!

Glory shall follow After much tribulation

Glory shall follow After much tribulation

I noticed a copy of this on my fridge this morning.  On the morning of December 12th Anthony brought this to me to read.  He had been reading the D&C and this touched his heart and he felt like sharing it with me.  I had him make a copy of it to place where I could view it often.  It is a great reminder.

After much tribulation come the blessings.  I hope to be ready for and worthy of those blessings.



This was first published at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2015/01/glory-shall-follow-after-much.html

Ponder

I read Ponder the Path of Thy Feet by President Thomas S. Monson (given October 2014 General Conference) this morning as part of my scripture study and lesson prep and knew I must post this quote to remind me.

 

"While we will find on our path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness."



I know this sounds strange - one of those oxymorons, but I too can testify that this is true.  And I am grateful for it.



This was first posted at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2015/01/bitter-sorrow-and-great-happiness.html

Back to School +

We took BrittanyJo to Rexburg to start this next semester of college.  The roads were really good for us on the way there but there was compact snow on the roads at least half of the way home (but they didn't slow us down too much and we didn't have any problems).  The trees were lovely to see.

We left BrittanyJo feeling kinda sick.  She was alone in her apartment with no one to require her attention so she could rest or organize as she desired.  We can see with this next picture that she did some organizing (though if she is at all like her mother, things might still change after she lives there for awhile).  This is her side of the room, then her side of the walk in closet, then the bathroom - all inside her room - it's really a nice place.

apartment exterior has such a fun look and the inside is pretty cool too

While we were gone Chase headed back to Wenatchee for his new semester.  He had a project to work on before school started and some friends to visit before he left.

Monday (5th) will be the first day back to school for BJo, Chase, and Anthony.  Big Day!  

Connor will be looking for work and trying to settle in to a new routine, which is what I will be trying to do too (I guess I already have my new job, but will need to settle in to that new routine).

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the thought of it all, but it's just because I haven't had to worry about those types of things before and I don't understand the mail I'm getting and the work that is required.  I am so glad that Thomas knows some of it, but there is some that he hasn't worked with yet too.  I'll be setting up some meetings with a few people who can help us learn about whatever we need to learn about.  I think it will just keep going with a domino effect from there.

I will try to remember Terry's encouraging words -

"It will turn out better than you think!" 

as I continue on this journey.   Day to day life is just different than it ever has been before and it is just going to keep changing for awhile.

Through the last week some of the kids have mentioned how I've changed and I just tell them that I will never be the same again.  No matter how hard I try I cannot be the same.  Not much in my day to day life is the same as it used to be so there is no way I can remain the same.  Some change will be indifferent - not necessarily better, but not really worse either - just different.  However, because we are constantly striving to be and do better I do hope to change for the better in many ways.   With the help of the Lord I know I can do it.


I'll end this post with a puzzle we did over the holiday.  You may remember that puzzles have been a big part of our lives the last few years and especially last year, so it felt right to keep that tradition going.  It was a little hard for me the first several minutes but I didn't want that part of me to change so I kept going and it soon became relaxing and therapeutic.  

That is how I hope to make things work for me in the future - I will persevere ... until it becomes easier.  Not that the thing has changed, but that my ability to do so has.

(image from here)

When I tried to find that quote above I found these too.  They are all good, so I'm adding them as a gentle reminder.

(image from pinterest, but complete article from Elder Scott can be found here)

(image found here)

Well, here I "grow"  ...