Ed Herrman with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Longfellow's Christmas

One evening on my way home from the hospital (the first couple weeks of November) I felt wracked with torment thinking of what lay ahead in our future.  My heart was heavy and I was out of control.  I had lost hope and was feeling total despair and yet I knew I should be able to cling to the Lord for peace, but I wasn't finding it.  I know where to turn for peace and I knew it was my fault that I wasn't finding it..., I was struggling and needed help.   I called the bishop to have him give me a blessing, and after the blessing I was able to find the peace I needed. (I was almost home and didn't want to turn around and go back to have Terry give me this blessing because I was trying to get home to be with Anthony.)

I shared my experience with Terry the next day and in tears he recited the words -  "...and in despair I bowed my head, there is no peace on earth I said..."  and we visited about it briefly even though he wasn't strong enough to say too much.  We had a tender moment together that I will remember and cherish forever.

This song seemed to fit my feelings and circumstances and I felt like I could connect.  Though my story and Longfellow's story are quite different, the despair and grief were very strong for me that night, and the peace that came later was equally strong.

My internet search led me here  where I found the video clip above (we had watched as it was broadcast a few years ago), and to this info below:  

The great American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is revered for his classic literary works. His poem “Christmas Bells” has become one of our most well-known and beloved Christmas carols, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.” What is less known, though, is the story behind the poem.

Reeling from the tragic death of his wife and the war wounds of his son, Longfellow penned the words to “Christmas Bells” during one of the darkest times in American history. And while the words of the poem reflect his obvious despair and grief, it is the triumphant message of “peace on earth, good will to men” for which this song — and Longfellow's personal story — is remembered.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day has always been one of my favorite Christmas songs, but this year it seemed to speak my language even more.   I listened to it several times on the radio in my traveling to and from the hospital those two weeks and when trying to choose what songs to sing for Terry's funeral I knew this had to be one of them.  There is one difference as I hear it this year - it brings me to tears as I think about my experience with its message. It will forever hold a special place in my heart ..., right next to my feelings for Terry, because it is very much a part of our relationship.

Added 3 January 2015
FYI -
I just learned that Ed Herrman passed away 31 Dec. 2014 after a fight with brain cancer - more info here.  (the day after I wrote this post)

A Scripture

Our ward has a plaque made for each missionary before they leave for their mission.  Each missionary chooses the scripture that he would like engraved on it and that plaque is then displayed in the foyer of the church for the time the missionary is serving.

The scripture Connor chose to put on his plaque before leaving for his mission is D&C 42:5-6:

5 And I give unto them a commandment that they shall go forth for a little season, and it shall be given by the power of the Spirit when they shall return.

6 And ye shall go forth in the power of my Spirit, preaching my gospel, two by two, in my name, lifting up your voices as with the sound of a trump, declaring my word like unto angels of God.

It is a great missionary scripture and it meant something to him at the time he chose it, but it means something more now than it once did.

The bishop gives the return missionary the plaque after he speaks in Sacrament Mtg. upon his return. Connor spoke Sunday (sorry I didn't even remember to post about it previous to it and I didn't even think of a gathering after church - I guess my mind was elsewhere, if anywhere at all).

The bishop asked Connor to read his chosen scripture out loud at the end of the meeting Sunday and Skyler noticed something as it was being read.

"...it shall be given by the power of the Spirit when they shall return."

Connor had a unique situation with the poor health of his father.  We shared what we knew about Terry's health with Connor, which was that there was no longer anything the doctors could do for the cancer in Terry's body and that he would not have much time.  The doctor did promise to try to help him through the holidays, but her expression seemed to tell us that she doubted he would make it. We were still determined to try as hard as we could, and we put our faith in the Lord to help us.

Connor's mission president was informed, and I had a few phone visits with him during those last couple months trying to inform them of Terry's health condition and helping decide what Connor should do.  I could not help make Connor's decision whether to come home early, but promised to pray for the Lord to help him make that decision.  We fasted and prayed for him and put his name in the temple, then we turned it over to God to help Connor make that decision.  With the help of the Lord, and a branch president and a mission president and unique experiences meant just for Connor, he was able to know what he should do, and his release date became December 17th.

Terry wanted so badly to make it to that date, but the Lord had different plans for him.  But Connor was able to be here for the funeral and find some comfort with family at such a sorrowful and critical time.

Not every missionary gets to choose when he shall return, but as Connor's scripture stated "...it shall be given by the power of the Spirit when [he] shall return."   Connor didn't choose the exact date he returned -  that was given him, but he did choose to come early, which was different than he had been thinking  (because he really would have liked to have extended his mission instead).

I will not share the complete story about how Connor was able to decide when he should return, but he had some personal and spiritual experiences that helped him know he should return early, then the leaders chose the date for him.

Realizing the significance of this scripture (and that Connor chose it before he left with no knowledge of what would take place at the end of his mission) has been another tender mercy or small miracle that has brought peace to our hearts and reminds us that the Lord is aware of each of us, and we, and all things, are in His hands.

to be proved and tested

Remember that you are here to be proved and tested, “to see if [you] will do all things whatsoever the Lord [your] God shall command [you]” (Abraham 3:25)—and may I just add, “under all circumstances.” 

When these trials come..., try to force a smile, gaze heavenward, and say, "I understand, Lord.  I know what this is.  A time to prove myself, isn't it?"  Then partner with Him to endure well to the end.

Spiritual confidence increases when you accept that

"Often trials and tribulations are allowed to come into [your life] because of what [you] are doing right." 

full article here

This was first published at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2014/12/to-be-proved-and-tested.html

Merry Christmas!

image from here

Here is the only photo I took Christmas day -

It was a slow and relaxing day for the most part.

Faith

FAITH gives understanding and strength...

God has given us the capacity to exercise faith, that we may find peace, joy, and purpose in life. However, to employ its power, faith must be founded on something. There is no more solid foundation than faith in the love Heavenly Father has for you, faith in His plan of happiness, and faith in the capacity and willingness of Jesus Christ to fulfill all of His promises.

Even if you exercise your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you. He loves you to a depth and completeness you cannot conceive of in your mortal state. 

Sincere faith gives understanding and strength to accept the will of our Heavenly Father when it differs from our own. We can accept His will with peace and assurance, confident that His infinite wisdom surpasses our own ability to comprehend fully His plan as it unfolds a piece at a time.

full message by Richard G. Scott here

Change

I remember Terry reading this to me a couple months ago.  

"The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays."

- Soren Kierkegaard

I saved the magazine and just found it this morning - it is something to consider and to remind me.

"What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it.  If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  Don't complain."

- Maya Angelou

From The Progressive Farmer / October 2014

a gift from a friend

This was first published at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2014/12/change.html

Christmas with Family

We had our family Christmas gathering on Sunday since that was the last day everyone would be here together.  It felt a bit strange, but it was still a very nice celebration of love. 

This was the first time since the summer of 2003 that our children had all been gathered together at the same time.  Some were meeting family members for the first time (those sweet little grandchildren that have joined our family in the last few years).    All were saying goodbye to a wonderful part of our lives and trying to move forward in faith.  We did find reason to smile and be happy together, even in our time of sorrow. 

We had people everywhere, and everywhere people were enjoying each others company.  We gave gifts to each other and opened them with excitement - grateful to have this joyful reason to celebrate.

I felt a little out of sorts and didn't accomplish my plan the way I had originally thought, but it was still a good celebration.  In my mind I had given this holiday a theme - REMEMBER.  I was hoping to help my children remember their father, their family, their love for each other.  We chose gifts that would hopefully mean something special and connect them to their father, and at the same time help them also REMEMBER our Savior. 

I added a message that would hopefully help them REMEMBER.  

 

The grandchildren each received a nativity globe.

I wanted each to remember that HE (Christ) IS THE GIFT!  He is the reason we celebrate life.  He is the one we look to for peace and comfort and for guidance and direction in life.  Always REMEMBER Him.

(We also gave each married family a set of Power Tales books like we read together when our children were home and growing up together.  Remembering our time together.) 

Willow Tree seemed the perfect gift this season because of the family set that Terry gave me several years ago (seen at the funeral), 

and the couple he gave me another year,

and the wise men he gave me a few years ago.  

Terry didn't always give material gifts, but when he did they meant something very special.  Each of these touches my heart deeply and makes me happy when I see them.  Each was a surprise and a gift he came up with on his own.  Awesome huh!


FYI - When Terry gave me the figurine of the couple standing together he told me that he had chosen that one because it represented how fast we slow dance together.  It's so true ..., when we did dance, we did SLOW dance.   I love his interpretation of it and cherish it.  It is so fun!

As I was decorating for Christmas I saw and read the card that came with the figurine and my heart exploded, tears immediately began to flow, and I told Terry (who was sitting on the sofa at the time) that that piece meant much more to me now than it had previously (and it had always meant a lot to me).  When I explained why, his heart then began to overflow and tears began to fall. We do share something special.  I have wonderful memories and many material things that will remind me of that special relationship we shared.

PROMISE

Hold dear the promise of love

 

 

We have been promised to each other, and with the Saviors promise we will be reunited ... together forever.  Our relationship will not end.  I can hardly wait to see him again, but I will endure and patiently wait for that time, on the Lord's time, so that those blessings will be mine/ours.  I will remind myself over and over that I CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

 

My father gave me a beautiful blessing while he was here and I will use that blessing to find courage and strength to carry on and live worthy of this eternal promise.  I am sure I will crumble at times, but I hope to pick myself back up and carry on in faith and trust in the Lord.  I know that the Lord will walk with me every step of the way if I stay close to Him, and I am also aware that there will be times that He will carry me.  I am so grateful that we have a loving Father in Heaven and a Savior, Redeemer, Brother and Friend.  HE IS THE GIFT!

Poem by Michael

Michael wrote this masterpiece the day we got home from the hospital after Terry passed away.  I was in the same room with Michael as this thought process began and I saw his expression change and he got up and got a piece of paper and a pencil and went to the table and began writing.  After he completed it he gave it to me and I read it and kept it close at heart.
When it came time to plan the funeral program I asked Michael to share his poem with us all.   Everyone was so impressed and grateful for this poem and the truths it testifies of, and several noticed that we could hear Terry's words there too - recognizing that this poem was very likely inspired by him.  
We knew Michael had to share it in the program and I now share it here for a reminder whenever we need it in the future.

This poem dedicated to Terry Wayne Hebdon

Written on the day that he’s gone to heaven.

He passed in the morning of December’s day 10

Though we may fret we will see him again.

His greatest and dearest possessions in life

Are his farm, his faith, his family, but mostly his wife.

A father to 9, a brother to all

Trained to rescue whomever did fall.

A presider, a provider, a protector of family.

He loved his life and lived it happily.

“I am fine” he would say, though lately his body would sway.

He taught through example, followed the Savior’s way

We still hear his voice echoing through the house

“Get up, get dressed, get going” he would daily announce.

A captain in suffering, a saint when in pain

A decision he had made again and again.

It made him a much better person you see.

Like that one who suffered with him in Gethsemane

And with that miracle so noble, so true

He claims us His, both me and you.

So on this day Terry’s lowered in the grave

Be of good cheer, Christ is mighty to save.

At those white gates he patiently waits

His arms spread out wide, his Savior by his side.

By Michael James Hebdon   10 Dec. 2014