Sunday, January 25, 2015

One of Those Days!

The doctors and nurses at SCCA always told us that the transplant days would become a new date to celebrate because of the new life extended for the patient.

We didn't ever get that new life - there was nothing concerning Terry's health changed for the better that we could see, and we never did celebrate either transplant date.  Those two days were just another day on the calendar to us.  In all honesty, for me they actually became days of disappointment knowing that the transplant didn't work, and I try to forget them.


However, every year, for several years now, at the beginning of each year, I go through my new planner and write in the birthdays and celebration of each family member.  I had done this for 2015 in November 2014, but I was looking through my planner Sunday morning circling the dates so I would see them more easily so as not to forget (I have forgotten lately and I hate that feeling - my mind is still not clear as it should be).  

As I did I obviously noticed the celebrations of our anniversary in Feb, and Terry's bday in July, and then came to December and of course remembered that the 10th would be the first anniversary of Terry's passing away.

Thoughts started flowing through my mind and I wondered if I should write anything on the calendar to mark that date or just leave it.  I know I won't forget it, but do I really want to remember or celebrate it?   I had an interesting feeling that I did want to remember it, for in one way it truly is the day that we had been praying for.  

It didn't come in a way we had hoped, but it did come.  Terry has been given that new life - one that is free from suffering and pain.  His cancer is gone ..., and that is what we had prayed for.

I don't know if I will celebrate the day, but I will celebrate the life ..., his life and his life with me and with our children/including their spouses and grandchildren.

I miss him, but I'm sure it will be a good year for him ..., maybe his best ever, at least concerning health issues.   We will see how I feel come December 10th and how we treat that day, but for now I am trying to count my blessings and be grateful for the joys of life that do still exist (though they are harder to enjoy without my husband at my side ....  just sayin'!).

I'm keeping busy and trying to make this new life of mine something that will be better and better as time goes on.  One thing that is ever present is the fact that I love Terry and miss him, but also ever present is the fact that the Savior is with me and helping me through it all.  I am so amazed at the almost tangent feeling that is present in my heart and mind and soul, lifting me and helping me through every part of my days and night.  I am grateful for His love for me and I know He is aware of my every need and will help me and my family through anything else that comes our way.  I also want to add that I know that Terry loves me and that he is just as anxious to be at my side as I am to be with him.

At this time in my life I know more than ever that I must trust in the Lord with all my heart because I do not know how to do it on my own.  In reality, I guess I do know that I cannot do it on my own.

Proverbs 3: 5

  • Old Testament
5¶ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart ; and lean not unto thine own understanding . 


It is not possible for me to remain strong and true and steadfast on my own - it is faith in Jesus Christ and trusting Him that has helped me through every trial and disappointment and frustration in my life, and it is that same (but hopefully stronger) faith in Jesus Christ that will help me through this challenge in my life.

I was reading a message given by Ardeth G. Kapp in 2004, titled Pray Not for Light Burdens but for Strong Backs where I found this quote that seemed to speak to me today.  Sister Kapp said;

The writings of Orson F. Whitney help us understand the need for adversity:
No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God. . . . And it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven. [Quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Tragedy or Destiny,Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year (6 December 1955), 6]


This is true.  Imagine what we would be if we did not strive with all our might and strength and put our faith and trust in the Lord.  It isn't hard to see what we must do.

In that same message by Sister Kapp, she testified of something that I too can testify of.  Using her words, but adding my witness ...,

I can testify from my own experience in life, that some of our heaviest burdens, disappointments, and heartaches can in time be replaced with “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding” (Phillipians 4:7) while “we wait upon the Lord” (Isaiah 40:31).

I have re-read (many times) the talk I gave at Stake Conference in 2009 I titled Thank You for Waiting.   More than ever before I am grateful for that opportunity to speak on that subject because returning often to that message has helped me remember to wait patiently on the Lord, and that waiting implies something more than just sitting around waiting for something to just happen.

“to wait = to remain true to Him, to remain strongly attached while staying put or still until something expected happens.”


I do expect something to happen.  Among those things that I expect are these -
I expect the Lord to fill my heart with joy and love and help me through the rest of my life without my husband at my side in his mortal form.
I expect to find joy and love with my family and friends while still on earth in our mortal form.
I expect to live my life so that I can return to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ and to see and live with my husband forever after this mortal life, in greater joy and happiness than I have ever or will ever know on this mortal journey.
I expect the Lord to lift my soul, and even my physical body at times when I am not strong enough to carry on in my own strength.
I expect the Lord to help each member of my family with each individual need and righteous desire that is theirs, and mine for them.

I expect these things and more, because I know that the Lord has promised them to me if I do my part, and I promise to do my part so that I may partake of those promised blessings.  I know He loves me, and that is enough to help me continue on.  I know I am not perfect, which means that I will falter, but I know that He will help me do my part. Isn't that wonderful?  IT IS WONDERFUL TO ME! 

We are never really alone when we invite the Lord into our lives.


---


I just finished this post, stopping right above those three little lines just above this sentence, when I learned of some heart breaking news that took me from this post and into a deep concern that I could not stand or bear on my own.  It took me to my knees and I spoke out loud to the Lord about it through a raging storm of emotion and tears.  It has been several days since I have felt that low and it is a place I don't like to be.  However, I truly can testify that no matter how low we are, no matter how challenging the hardship or trial, our Savior IS here.

This trial is not over by any means.  This part of it is just beginning, but I will rely on the Lord and He will help me.  With His help we will come out of this stronger and better for it!


I don't know why I felt I should write this, maybe just to remind myself or to give myself strength to carry on.  Sometimes speaking out loud and writing our thoughts helps us overcome and gives us courage and strength that we need.  Maybe that is why I'm sharing it.  Maybe it is to remind me (and anyone else who might need to remember) that hard things do happen to us and can and will at any given moment, but we can prevail.  Maybe I share it because it's good to share the "bad" that happens so that others don't always think that life is easy because we always share only the "good".  Life is so ... real!

I wondered if I should just click on publish without this addition, but do feel the need to add it, so I'm following through.   However, I hope it doesn't affect anyone adversely nor send extra concern toward me.  I do not need extra attention ..., honestly, I am fine!   I FEEL MY SAVIORS LOVE!


I have enjoyed this quote for years now and love to look at the different images associated with it.  Life is Good.   (I used some of these fun images in an earlier  post I titled Did You Know.  I wonder why I haven't a pinterest board dedicated to these images?  Hmmm!  Thinking ....  I do now!)

life is good co
image from here

Here is a little more about a good life -

image from here

I'm in a mood I guess, and just can't stop ..., so here is a saying I found and posted a year ago (here) -

image here

Life is good when we know where to turn.  And I do know where to turn.

Now one more scripture I feel like adding:

3 Nephi 9:14

14 Yea, verily I say unto you, if ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.  


So now I'm going to get up and keep going ...
because I must and I can ...
I feel rejuvenated ..., maybe that is why I finished this post ..., it's my pep talk ..., to myself.




Saturday, January 24, 2015

Oh Bother! I have started a PROJECT that doesn't end ...


I have spent the week cleaning and organizing and rearranging and moving things from one room to another.  As I look around I see that the house is even more cluttered and in need of attention.  Too many things are in limbo waiting for the proper place to put them, and every room is stuffed with stuff that needs moved.  I started one of those projects that has a domino effect and it's going to be a long process.

Good news:
My Christmas decor (including the trees) is all taken down and put away.
All of my holiday decor is now stored away - everything tight and comfy in it's new spot.

Bad news:
I miss the lights.

So,
Good news:
I moved the lamp Terry made in high school into the entrance hall - I leave the light on to replace the light from the trees.  I like it!  I haven't decorated that room yet, (and I need to dust that lamp) but at least the lamp is there ..., and on - spreading light through my life, day and night.



Putting the Christmas decor away allowed me to put things back in the family room.  That took me a long time but I really enjoyed filling my shelves with those precious things - things of no monetary value, but things that are close to my heart and bring back memories of people and places and love - memories of life.   I'm preserving memories with those precious things.

Elaine's precious things on the left, Terry's precious things on the right.

Everything in these shelves has a story, a reason for being precious to me - each item is part of life before and after I met Terry.  I am so grateful for my life and those people, places, and things that have filled it to this point.  I will continue to try and make the best of the rest of my life.


Positive Thinking
image from Think Brilliantly
  

"Life is what you make it!"


I'm off to keep cleaning and organizing!  Spring cleaning a bit early this year and it looks like it's going to take me several months, through Summer and Fall.   It's exhausting, but it is also rewarding.   I haven't done this deep of cleaning throughout the house in a long time.   Looking forward to good things ahead.




Tuesday, January 20, 2015

How We Began


I woke this morning with thoughts of Terry on my mind.  This is not new, but I was definitely thinking about when we met and that I should write and share this series of events.  So here is the beginning of our story.


We met on a Saturday night, June 9th 1979, in Othello at a Young Adult Dance (young adult is beyond HS graduation, before and after missions a few years, one might say college age and unmarried). 

Terry asked me to dance …, we did, and then we visited for a few minutes.  Having just had an experience that made me want to distance myself from any boy, I was not interested and didn’t notice anything that would tell me that I should get to know this person better. 

The next night was a Stake Young Adult fireside in Othello (Stake is several wards together – I don’t know if there were maybe 6-7 at the time).   The meeting had just gotten over and I was sitting in the back area of the chapel.  Several people had left the chapel, but a few were standing up toward the front of the room visiting with each other.

I stood up to walk out and noticed this group of young adults.  I could only see the backs of the two or three boys, and could tell there were a couple girls in front of them, but couldn’t see who those boys were.  What I did see was a tall, slender, dark haired young man in a beautiful blue suit.   I did not know who he was, nor that he was the young man that I had met the previous night, but I did have the words “That is the man I’m going to marry” go through my heart and mind.
   
Wow!  Really?  How was I going to tell him that?  How would he know?  

I walked out of the chapel and was visiting with a friend at the refreshment area when this handsome boy in that beautiful blue suit was standing beside me asking me to go with him to the next Young Adult activity.   Well, maybe the Lord told him about me too!  

This was when I saw his face for the first time.  Oh, we met the night before, but I wasn’t looking and didn’t really see him, but tonight was different.  He was so handsome and I loved his smile and I was so anxious for our next meeting.  We didn’t really visit long this night, but my heart was attached already.

June 15th was the next activity he had invited me to, in Kennewick, and he came and picked me up.  I remember that another couple went with us.  I also remember that I took hold of Terry’s hand and didn’t want to let it go and we sat close together, never wanting to be separated.  Just a note: As a mother now I know that I would be so worried if my daughter had done what I did.  I would try to "knock some sense into her"  – “but you just met him”, “you’ve got to get to know him and go out with him several times before you get so close” and more of that type of concern.  But you see, I had been told that he would be my husband, so why not make the move to try to keep him around?   I already knew how important he was to me, so I held his hand and sat real close and didn’t let him out of my sight.  So much for distancing myself!  It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

I believe he must have known something too, because he held my hand with a tender touch, he made me feel special, and he kept asking me out.  Our notes/calendar show that we had 3 dates in June (and he was in the hospital for a few days with pneumonia which shortened our number of days to go on dates that month), 6 in July,  and it just kept getting better and better.  I loved seeing him and being with him, and I loved hearing his voice on the phone, always hating to say good-bye.  Even after we were married I loved hearing him on the phone though it didn’t happen very often until cell phones were introduced years later.

We enjoyed being together as often as we could, we met each other’s families and we made each other happy.  Terry never really asked me to marry him in the traditional way, but there seemed to be no doubt that we were going to get married.  Once he asked if we should get our names put on "one of those pretty little cards and envelopes" after he told me of an announcement he received from a missionary companion that was getting married.  He told me to "think about it".  

One night after a movie he asked, “What would you say if I asked you to marry me?”  My first thought was of course I’d say yes, but how was I going to come up with a clever way to respond, then he quickly finished up with, "well, just wait till I ask you!"  We laughed about that often.

Well, he never did really ask again, but one night at my house he asked me if I would like to go with him to Spokane to pick out a wedding ring.   Of course I agreed to that and we did - December 8th.

the rings

I continue to wear that ring with love, and now I also wear Terry's ring on my finger beside my ring, closest to my heart.  We set our wedding date for February 12th 1980 and life was good.

Terry and Elaine - engagement photo

I had found the man of my dreams and I was happier than I knew one could be. We were married for time and eternity in the Idaho Falls LDS Temple.  

12 February 1980, after wedding (didn't know the picture was being taken).
This is the beautiful blue suit I loved, but I love the man in it most!

After the ceremony I remained in my wedding dress and Terry in his suit, and we walked across the temple grounds to the hospital where his maternal grandparents were.  His grandpa was not well and was there, with his wife beside him.  

at the hospital after our wedding, with Terry's grandparents

I met these wonderful people for the first time, not realizing that it was also the last time we would see his grandfather.  Many were amazed to see someone in a wedding dress in the hospital, but it was an exciting and wonderful experience to share with those I love.  I have treasured that experience and held it close to my heart ever since. 

We left that Tuesday, from Idaho Falls and traveled to Anaheim for our honeymoon at Disney Land.  

one man cut these as he looked at us, no sketch first

We didn’t spend a lot of money, but we spent a lot of time and enjoyed being together. We were off to a great start.

souvenirs - Lady and Tramp

We had a reception to be home to on the 22nd of February but we took our time and enjoyed our new life together, getting home the following Wednesday evening, the 20th, where we learned that both sets of parents were very worried that we were not home a few days earlier.   I guess they thought we might take a four or five day honeymoon, but we had taken 9 days – and it was a most enjoyable time with no worries whatsoever.   I highly recommend it!  J

Ronald & Gelene Rodeback, Elaine & Terry Hebdon, Idris & Keith Hebdon

We had a unique relationship from the very beginning and we hated being apart.  Words just cannot describe how much I love this man.

Terry and Elaine 1981 - don't try to separate us!  

We have always remained close and he has always been my best friend.  We set up home beside his parents' home in a double-wide trailer he purchased from a neighbor.  It became our favorite place to be ..., HOME ..., because we were together.

Our first house

 I know this is a long post already, but I want to add one more thing.  This is something Terry wrote years ago - (Something he penned as he thought it and never went back to correct grammar or punctuation.  In its original state there are lines crossed out as he traded them for new words.)

"On a blessed Sunday evening not so very long ago, I first saw a girl I just had to get to know.
She was tall and looked so fair, nice, a pleasant site to see.  But then I had a problem! Could I get her to notice me?
Well time went on - not many days, when again my eyes met her gaze.  It was at a dance at which I met her.  The music played, my heart did purr.  
I was most content with myself that I hid behind a shelf and gave the drinks as kids came by.  Wetting a thirst as it was dry.
She came my way, what should I do.  Somehow I said may I dance with you.
She somehow was special to my mind.  Full of tenderness and very kind.
So after that it was my ambition that I might start a new tradition. Of her and me or us together that we twain would become better.
Now names with me aren't the best so I put my mind to test.  How can I remember her name divine? Well, I'll just ask a friend of mine.
He had it there on paper yellow.  May God bless this good fellow.
I read it then and it was fixed in my heart and on my lips.  
But now the task to see if she would consent to go with me.  
There was an event in Kennewick and"


That is where it stopped.  But we know that the story continues - and it's a good one.  I'll share parts of it as I feel prompted to as we continue on this journey through life.   

This writing is proof that Terry did feel something special for me and just like I wondered how I would let him know how I felt about him, he too wondered how he would let me know how he felt about me.  

A good friend of my dad's loved to tease me and asked me a few times if I would consider choosing his son instead of Terry.  I would always tell him that I was sure I had made the right choice and had no intention of changing my mind.

Terry and I were meant to be together! I am so grateful for every little event that took place in our lives, from the very beginning, that made it possible.  I am grateful for everyone that helped us each to become who we were (and are) and for our Savior and Father in Heaven and Their role in our lives.  




Saturday, January 17, 2015

FYI - Funeral Additions


We had been hoping to get a family photo with all of us together and we just couldn't make it happen in time for Terry to be with us, but here we are on the day of his funeral, and I was happy to have all of our children and grandchildren together there.  Surely one can look at any of our sons and find their dad in them somewhere.  In many ways Terry lives on, but we still miss him.
I am so grateful for eternal life and the plan of happiness.  
I want it!  I need it!  I'm looking forward to it!
I am so grateful for the Savior and our Heavenly Father and for the many blessings They send my way.  They sustain me throughout the days and nights.  They make things alright.
  



I love our eternal family! 

Michael's poem was added to the blog here

The life sketch Thomas gave was added here


Friday, January 16, 2015

MORE than just a PENNY

Just sharing my special couple minutes of my day with you and hoping that you too found a reason to smile today.


I found a penny today as I was cleaning the medical supplies out of the office cupboards.  It made me smile.  I know where it came from and it was a happy moment for me.

When we first started using the home infusion pump at SCCA in 2010 they suggested we use a penny to twist the parts together.  This penny was surely in that box of supplies for the last few years.

This penny was not worth much in the way of monetary value, but it did have more value than what the eye could see.  It was very valuable when considering what the heart felt.

This penny and the smile it brought me reminded me of this little poem I found last fall and pinned for a rainy day. It was a sunshiny day today, but I thought I'd share it anyway.  I love it!

pennies from heaven




Monday, January 12, 2015

A Sunday Lesson

I was studying in The Gospel Principles book today and found that, once again, the things I have been taught my whole life affect me in a different way now.  I don't know if they take on new meaning, but there is something new about it.  My heart and mind seem to focus toward things pertaining to Terry and our eternal relationship more than ever before, even though it was something I thought about before, I believed before, and was grateful for before. There is something different with it all now.  


This post could have been put in my To Remind Me blog, but because it is about Terry I wanted it here.  (I've wondered about putting those two blogs together - I just did add a few posts from that blog and each is post dated to the time I had originally posted in that other blog, each under the label To Remind Me.


I have chosen to share the quote from the book (in bold) and then the thoughts that came to me about that quote.


"Our Father in Heaven knows who we are and ... He has chosen the time and place for each of us to be born so we can learn the lessons we personally need and do the most good with our individual talents and personalities."

I know that it is our Father's plan that Terry's life on earth was at the time it was and for only the time it was.  I don't understand why it was as short a time as it was, but I do know it was the Lord's will.  I am grateful that we met and married and lived and loved each other for almost 35 years in happiness and joy with a family that is eternal. Terry has done much good - he has helped and taught me and has been a great blessing in my life. I will remember his words of encouragement, counsel, and truth, and it will guide me for the rest of my life. We often talked about how grateful we were that we had found each other and how it always felt so right.  That is still true.



"[Our Heavenly Father] wanted us to develop the godlike qualities that He has."

As I read this I immediately thought of the talk Gregory gave at Terry's funeral (see the post Christlike Characteristics).  I have some work to do on that part of my life.  I am so grateful for the qualities that Terry had developed and how they blessed my life.



"If we passed our tests, we would receive the fulness of joy that our Heavenly Father has received."

Thoughts that came to me as I read this were about an experience I had while Terry was in the hospital. 

I was frustrated, scared, disappointed, and desirous of a miracle. We had just studied about Job in our primary class so that scripture story was fresh on my mind.  I was comparing all of Jobs trials to Terry's trials - the new pains and infections that were tormenting his body seemed to be coming faster and harder ..., and he was being strong and faithful through them all so why were there so many.   I was having a "conversation with the Lord" about this fact and how Terry had not "charged God foolishly" nor had he or would he "curse God and die". With everything that has been thrown at him Terry "held fast his integrity".   

I continued with more complaints (I guess that is the best word to fit what I was doing) and I guess I was trying to convince the Lord that He could heal Terry and allow him to live with us on earth in good health for a long long time still and that Terry would serve Him well in whatever capacity He would require of him during that future life.  

As I was comparing Terry to Job and sharing all of this with the Lord I told the Lord that Job didn't loose his life, so why should Terry have to?  It was then that these words came to me clear and strong, yet ever so soft and reverent - "Terry has passed his test, now it is my turn" - Oh my goodness ..., I was Job.  I am the one that will loose my beloved family member and therefore possibly tempted to curse God and die - will I stand firm and faithful?  

I promised that very moment that I would.  I told the Lord that He could trust me to do so, and He knows that, so could He please remove this trial from me and allow a miracle to take place.  Well, we know that was one prayer that was not answered in the affirmative. I really wish I didn't have to prove myself in this way.  

Even with all of this sorrow I really do promise to "hold fast my integrity" and stand firm and faithful, enduring to the end, trusting the Lord.  That is the only way that our eternal marriage will remain in effect, and I want those blessings more than anything else.
  

"The purpose of our progression: to have a fulness of joy."  
Before we came to earth we learned that all of us would have trials in our lives: sickness, disappointment, pain, sorrow, and death.  (For me these seemed to come all at once.)  But we understood that these would be given to us for our experience and our good.  If we allowed them to, these trials would purify us rather than defeat us.  They would teach us to have endurance, patience, and charity.


I have a lot to learn!  Some day I want to have that fulness of joy. 




Friday, January 9, 2015

There is beauty all around

This past week included some tender days but they were necessary and overall they were good days. The more I learn the better I feel about things, until I realize that the more I learn the more I know I don't really know.

We have begun the almost dreaded domino of meetings that are to help me do what is required at this time in my life.  At the end of each meeting I am asked if I have any more questions and I don't at that time, but I usually do in a day or two when I realize that there is so much more I don't know.

It has been good to have Thomas with me at these meetings because he has more knowledge about this farm (due to experience) than my limited knowledge and understanding.  I was raising family and then taking care of Terry, and the farm just kinda happened without me.  I did pick up parts and run other errands at times and I have occasionally helped write out some checks, but my brain really tried to stay away from the rest of the farm stuff.  I didn't know that someday I would need that information in a very important way.


Business meetings will continue to take place but I'm looking forward to the day when they are fewer in number and frequency, and when I understand enough that they can be shorter in duration as well.  I am grateful that those people who are helping and teaching me are good people that really are helping and teaching me with patience and kindness.


Here is what the sky looked like when we left the accountants office the other day.  I thought the colors were beautiful.  We also noticed a long line of birds flying up there.  I didn't realize that they were still there when I took the picture but they span from one end of the photo to the other, single file.  It is hard to see, but they are there - I guess you can play I SPY again (first with the bunny and now with the birds).



I have been going through some of Terry's things trying to clean, organize, and learn all that I can.   Many memories have come into my mind and heart as I have continued with this process and found things he had kept.

It is a strange thing to feel so sad that Terry is not here and yet be so grateful for the many wonderful and beautiful experiences we did share together.  How does that happen..., feeling so high and so low at the same time?  I almost wish I had done this cleaning while Terry was here because there have been so many times that I want to ask him about something I've found.   I do miss being able to talk to him.  It's a loss that cannot be replaced - even though I can talk to others, it's him I want to talk to.

Here is one thing he kept that may have been saved for the message at the top because there doesn't seem to be any other reason for it - MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT - from the top of an old bank note.



I have also been writing thank yous and going through the cards I have received.  Of course, that has been a very tender time.  I keep wanting to sign his name first.  Maybe I should have because surely he would like to thank everyone too.




Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Sweet Moment

This morning was like several of the last few mornings, but a bit more chill in the air.  I had made plans to be gone early this morning, but those plans were changed last night as I contemplated my day and week ahead.  So that left me home to view this sweet moment in time.

I looked out the kitchen window to this tree we just planted and found a friend.  I have enjoyed having that tree there and watching it daily as I stand at the sink.  It is where my eyes focus while I'm looking out that window, and this morning it was delightful to see this little bunny enjoying it too.  It brought a smile to my face and heart that felt so good.

can you see the rabbit under the tree?

There is something joyful about seeing these little creatures (even if they do destroy a garden in no time) and I love to see them whenever they are brave and decide to show themselves (especially since there is no garden to destroy at the moment).

The sky was pretty too, and it wasn't long before the sun came through the window as I was sitting back at the table taking care of some paper work.  It is a beautiful morning!  I love beautiful mornings!

I hope you are having a beautiful morning too.



Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Positive Thinking!



it's all perspective
(image from pinterest)


"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  
- Winnie the Pooh



We sang the song God Be With You Till We Meet Again for the closing song at Terry's funeral.  This was not originally meant to be a funeral song, but has been used many times for funerals.  However, to me, this song seems to be sung more by the person who has passed on instead of those left behind. We here on earth need God to "uphold us".   I know Terry is in good hands and is taken care of - I do not worry for him because I know he is fine.   It is those of us here that need His help.

FYI - This song and some history about it can be found here.

The words are lovely, and they testify that we will meet again!  I love that!  I look forward to that with great excitement.


God be with you till we meet again By his counsels guide, uphold you 
With his sheep securely fold you God be with you till we meet again
Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again
Till we meet, till we meet, till we meet at Jesus’ feet
Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again
God be with you till we meet again


We will meet again at Jesus' feet if we strive to remain true and faithful, and our "good-byes" will seem but a small moment, with our hello being so very joyful and pleasant.

I don't know if I can take life any faster right now, but sometimes I wish there was a fast forward switch so I could already see him again.  I'll try to wait patiently.





Monday, January 5, 2015

The Drivers Seat


I can only recall one time being in the drivers seat since driving Terry to Wenatchee on Tuesday morning (the 9th) and that was the next day to take Anthony into the school to get his car.  
The boys have been driving me wherever I needed to go and I was "numb" enough to let it happen without concern, and I even knew it was for the best because I wasn't sure I could function well enough to drive safely.  

But then one day I noticed I was feeling quite unnerved at not being behind the wheel and decided it was time to take my place in the drivers seat again (where I had been for many years).   So our trip to Idaho was all mine.  We made some well timed rest stops and played some music and ate some snacks to help with the long drive.   

I remember when I started driving everywhere after Terry started his first chemo treatments.  I reminded myself of my grandmother who drove everywhere she and grandpa went.  Her reason for driving (if I have my information correct) was because she was just too nervous when grandpa drove. My reason to start driving was for a different reason, but after I started driving so much of the time I began to feel uncomfortable when others drove.  That uncomfortable feeling left me for a couple weeks but it has returned and I found myself hogging' the wheel. 

I needed that!

It is one of those things about me that I need to have as a constant in my day to day life.  With so much around me and about me changing I feel the need to not let everything change in every way. 

It makes me feel like I might start mending one little particle at a time. There will always be a part of me missing, but I hope in time that will make me stronger, rather than weaker ..., because I want eternity.   I look forward to it.

I love my Savior and I can feel my Savior's love ..., 


Wisdom

"He will not always take your afflictions from you, 
but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."  
- Thomas S. Monson

and I love my husband and I still feel my husbands love for me ..., 


Oh! ..., and ...

It felt good to feel good to be home.  Strange feeling!   A tender mercy / small miracle!





Sunday, January 4, 2015

Glory shall follow After much tribulation



I noticed a copy of this on my fridge this morning.  On the morning of December 12th Anthony brought this to me to read.  He had been reading the D&C and this touched his heart and he felt like sharing it with me.  I had him make a copy of it to place where I could view it often.  It is a great reminder.



After much tribulation come the blessings.  I hope to be ready for and worthy of those blessings.



This was first published at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2015/01/glory-shall-follow-after-much.html



Ponder

I read Ponder the Path of Thy Feet by President Thomas S. Monson (given October 2014 General Conference) this morning as part of my scripture study and lesson prep and knew I must post this quote to remind me.

 

"While we will find on our path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness."



I know this sounds strange - one of those oxymorons, but I too can testify that this is true.  And I am grateful for it.




This was first posted at  http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2015/01/bitter-sorrow-and-great-happiness.html

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Back to School +

We took BrittanyJo to Rexburg to start this next semester of college.  The roads were really good for us on the way there but there was compact snow on the roads at least half of the way home (but they didn't slow us down too much and we didn't have any problems).  The trees were lovely to see.


We left BrittanyJo feeling kinda sick.  She was alone in her apartment with no one to require her attention so she could rest or organize as she desired.  We can see with this next picture that she did some organizing (though if she is at all like her mother, things might still change after she lives there for awhile).  This is her side of the room, then her side of the walk in closet, then the bathroom - all inside her room - it's really a nice place.



apartment exterior has such a fun look and the inside is pretty cool too


While we were gone Chase headed back to Wenatchee for his new semester.  He had a project to work on before school started and some friends to visit before he left.

Monday (5th) will be the first day back to school for BJo, Chase, and Anthony.  Big Day!  

Connor will be looking for work and trying to settle in to a new routine, which is what I will be trying to do too (I guess I already have my new job, but will need to settle in to that new routine).

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the thought of it all, but it's just because I haven't had to worry about those types of things before and I don't understand the mail I'm getting and the work that is required.  I am so glad that Thomas knows some of it, but there is some that he hasn't worked with yet too.  I'll be setting up some meetings with a few people who can help us learn about whatever we need to learn about.  I think it will just keep going with a domino effect from there.

I will try to remember Terry's encouraging words -
"It will turn out better than you think!" 
as I continue on this journey.   Day to day life is just different than it ever has been before and it is just going to keep changing for awhile.

Through the last week some of the kids have mentioned how I've changed and I just tell them that I will never be the same again.  No matter how hard I try I cannot be the same.  Not much in my day to day life is the same as it used to be so there is no way I can remain the same.  Some change will be indifferent - not necessarily better, but not really worse either - just different.  However, because we are constantly striving to be and do better I do hope to change for the better in many ways.   With the help of the Lord I know I can do it.


I'll end this post with a puzzle we did over the holiday.  You may remember that puzzles have been a big part of our lives the last few years and especially last year, so it felt right to keep that tradition going.  It was a little hard for me the first several minutes but I didn't want that part of me to change so I kept going and it soon became relaxing and therapeutic.  


That is how I hope to make things work for me in the future - I will persevere ... until it becomes easier.  Not that the thing has changed, but that my ability to do so has.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed but that our power to do has increased. power, inspirational, nature. Meetville Quotes
(image from here)

When I tried to find that quote above I found these too.  They are all good, so I'm adding them as a gentle reminder.

Truly, “We become what we give our hearts to, for we are shaped by what we desire and seek after.” –Sheri L. Dew … “That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not because the nature of the thing has changed, but because our power to do it has increased.” –Ralph W. Emerson … Enjoy more from Elder Scott  http://pinterest.com/pin/24066179229025576
(image from pinterest, but complete article from Elder Scott can be found here)

(image found here)


Well, here I "grow"  ...