Tuesday, May 19, 2015

My Dream

I'm rambling this week ...

In yesterdays post, Spouse First!, I mentioned that my dreams must change -

"My dream of sitting out in the yard beside my husband, holding hands, enjoying the beautiful scenery, which would include our wonderful family around us, is no longer a dream I can create in this life." 

Serving a mission together in our "empty nest" years can no longer take place the way we dreamed it would.  Retiring and visiting our children and grandchildren together requires a new dream.

We often hear that we can make our dreams come true if we want to bad enough.  Well, that just isn't going to happen here no matter how much I want it or how hard I try.  There are many changes in the way my dreams will take shape now.

Image result for the word dreams
image from google search

Naturally, out of necessity, I am searching for a new dream ... still not quite sure if I really want to, but very sure that I need to.  I need to move forward and make life more meaningful.

Looking forward has been one of the hardest parts of this stage in my life.  It is a challenge that seems tremendously overwhelming, even teetering on impossible.  It's not part of the dream I always had, it is more like a nightmare that I can't wake up from.   The self centered human inside tells me that I don't want to continue this dream.  I don't want it to become the reality.
Like I could change it!

Wishing for what was won't change what is. So we keep moving forward.
But it's a hard thing.  (Ok, now I sound like Laman and Lemuel in the Book of Mormon stories, and that is a real eye opener if nothing else is.)  I must remember that I can do hard things!

I know that our loving Father in Heaven is aware of my crushed dreams and my need to come up with a new dream.  I know He knows that I don't really want to, but need to if I am going to be ready for the blessings that await me and my spouse and our family.   I also know that He is giving me the nudge I need, after several months of mourning and sitting stagnant. (Yip! showing no activity; dull and sluggish, inactive, slow moving, lethargic, depressed, declining, dormant.  I was becoming, but not becoming anything good.)

I couldn't continue on that same path I had chosen and I knew it but was doing nothing to change it. I just thought it would happen later, giving myself at least a year after Terry's passing.  I was okay with that, and actually in some ways will miss that.  Well, one can only rationalize so long before rationalizing becomes a very real part of life and we then miss the opportunities awaiting us.  So, I am trying to push myself to do more hard things, a little at a time, and it's becoming a work in progress.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” –Eckhart Tolle
image found on pinterest
"The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."

Anyway,  as I was cleaning and rearranging things in the house the last couple days I came upon this frame I purchased (to use several years ago at my mom and dad's 50th anniversary - okay, that's another dream I will not see come to pass for Terry and I - it never will end you know - something will always be there to remind me).
Okay, what I really meant to say was this -
I found this frame that I purchased, but loved the quote and never put a photo in it after removing the picture we used at the anniversary celebration.

personal photo

Every yesterday
is a memory of

Every tomorrow 
is a vision of
Hope and Love

Indeed!  The "tomorrows" that were happening in my life had become motionless. There wasn't always a focus on Hope and Love.

I'll see if I can forget the emphasis on dreams and focus more on a vision of Hope and Love for every tomorrow.

What a challenge!
But every challenge comes with a promise if we endure with faith.
I'm not expecting an overnight change, but maybe over the next few months.

In time, as I remain faithful and steadfast, my vision will become more clear and my dreams will take on a new direction and once again lead me to my happily ever after - one tomorrow at a time.

1 comment:

Ellen said...

I can't even imagine...except part of what you describe is how I felt after Tawnya died. I was suffering from Clinical Depression, which is brought on by an event. Not a fun place to be and I had to get medical help. I am so thankful for my spouse helping me through that at a time when he too was grieving. I pray for you daily because I understand in a small way, part of what you are feeling and dealing with. I love you! 😘 ❤️