CLOUD AND SUNSHINE

First, the Fun Stuff -
BJo came home Wednesday night and was here until Sunday morning.  It was good to have her home.  We all needed it.

There is more that I must write, and you are welcome to continue reading, but feel free to get up and do something else at anytime during this post - it won't hurt my feelings ..., I promise I will never know. ;)
My reasons for writing it are personal and it is rather long, but please know that I am doing well. There is sunshine in my soul today.

Last week started as an emotional week for me.  I am having a hard time just doing the everyday tasks knowing that I can do them and that there is no worry about what Terry might need of me.  All of the things I thought I would do to keep me busy are difficult because they trigger such emotion.

I haven't done much yard work because it is screams at me, telling me that my husband is not here with me.  I don't go to activities because it screams at me that my husband is not here.  I still do most of my shopping online instead of going to town because when I go somewhere it screams at me that my husband is not here.
My pain comes from knowing that I have no husband to worry about at home or in the car or in the clinic or even beside me. I would much rather worry about my husband and be with him than without, so it is a hard tug on my heart.  Having someone else with me doesn't ease that pain and sometimes it even makes it harder.  I never really did anything with a "girlfriend" so doing so now is not a comfort, it screams at me that my husband is not here.  I'm a difficult case! (I suppose I always have been - one thing I have always known is that I am different in many ways.)

For many others, their pain stems from being home without their spouse, and though that is difficult too, I love being home where I can feel his love.  I know he is not here, but he is here more than he is elsewhere. (That probably only makes sense to me, and if I could use my words more appropriately I would be able to help others understand what I really mean.)  I have always loved being home so it's all good.

I have been working inside the house - causing much clutter and confusion, and it's been a good thing.  I am rearranging and sorting and purging things.   I am okay!  I'm Fine!   Really I am - I deleted all the previous posts this week just because I wanted to prove that I am fine and so that no one would know my "secrets" and sorrows, but I keep feeling that I should post them so that I can remind myself, so that I can let it out, and so that someone else who reads this someday might find it helpful.  I have read a few posts from others that I find helpful, so maybe I can pay it forward.

I think the beauty of spring time is part of my pain.  I see the daffodils and blossoms on the trees and it is joyful and beautiful.  I am still having a hard time allowing joyful times to permeate my soul because of the sadness that dwells there.  I'm not worried about it yet because past experience lets me know that this is normal and time will allow those joyful moments to surface and remain for longer periods of time.  This particular challenge will just take a little longer for me to get to that point.  So please forgive me if I do not attend something that is special to you, please forgive me if I have an emotional time during a conversation, and please bear with me as I work through this difficulty in my own way, even if you think I should be doing something different.

For now I will keep trying and take it one step at the time.  I'll continue trying to turn the stumbling blocks into stepping stones and make it safely down this straight and narrow path back to our Father and the loved ones who await our return.

We have been given so much to help us down that path.  The RS suggested reading for Week 4 has been a help for me, though each article brought more tears as I listened to or read them.  I wanted to post about a few of those, but as I mentioned earlier, I deleted them instead of publishing them.

Then yesterday as I was studying for my primary lesson I found something else and decided that I had better follow through and write a post - get the job done and hope it turns out better than I think.

In one of the resources I studied I found an invitation to read Habakkuk's prayer -

Habakkuk 3 contains a prayer, written in Hebrew poetry, in which Habakkuk bore testimony of the power and goodness of God and his own personal commitment to follow the Lord even in his people’s difficult times.

Habakkuk is a hard read, but it talks of trials and hardships and the strength that can come even with those difficult times.
18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

It reminds me of what I have known for many years:
19 The Lord God is my strength,

This invitation came with a challenge to  write your own brief statement that expresses your commitment to follow the Lord.   It helped me remember that I do most assuredly feel a commitment to follow the Lord. It is that commitment that helps me continue on each step of the way.

The RS messages for Week 4 had been a perfect prelude to my Sunday study - I know that my Savior lives and loves me.  I know that my Heavenly Father is there for me and that I must remain close to Him.

Communication with our Father in Heaven—including our prayers to Him and His inspiration to us—is necessary in order for us to weather the storms and trials of life.
(President Monson)


I know that I must

Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.  
(President Monson)


I know that this promise applies to me -

“I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” ⁶
(President Monson - I know this message was about a different topic, but this scripture still applies to me in my difficult times right now.)


Our Heavenly Father … knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass.

The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure.

Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. 

(President Monson)


One of my greatest desires is that the Lord Abide with Me.

As I was listening to this one (a couple days late) I glanced out the window, through tears, and saw the sky with cloud and sunshine and I knew that was another message meant just for me.  There will be times of both cloud and sunshine even at the same moment, but the good news is that the sunshine will break through the cloud if we let it and invite it..., Invite Him in!  

I didn't feel like taking a photo of the image I saw out the window so I borrowed this image from here

Okay, one more thing for this long post -
BJo and I were listening to a beautiful David Archuleta song, GLORIOUS.  She asked me something and because of the tears I could not respond.  So I left the music playing and visited with her.  It really was an emotional visit for both of us.  Different songs kept playing in the background as we talked, but we didn't pay much attention to them.  I was beginning to feel like I needed to control my emotions a bit more, but it seemed to be too hard.  I took a deep breath and then heard another song come on in the background.
It's The Hard Knock Life performed by Jenny Oaks Baker
That very instant the tears were overcome by laughter.  It wasn't easy to sense the laughter through the tears, but it was definitely laughter.  Funny thing is - that song and the movie it comes from (Annie) kind of irritate me, but for some strange reason it broke through my cloud and BJo and I were both laughing with each other instead of crying with each other.

I credit that change of heart to the Lord - He is watching over us at every moment and when we need Him most He will send the sunshine.  

Sorry for the lengthy post.  If I would just publish them as I write them, instead of deleting them and starting over I would have smaller posts that might be easier to read.  I am certainly in a learning process and sometimes it takes me several attempts to learn a simple principle.  Once again I ask for your forgiveness and understanding, and I wish for you today, sunshine in your soul.  Glorious Sunshine!