I am Here!

Today my feelings are reminding me of the story "Horton Hears a Who".

Yes, I am here!  I know it has been awhile since I have written.  Sorry!

By posting today I am putting myself at risk of being analyzed and I don't really want that, nor the attention my writing might bring. That is certainly not my purpose for writing.

My lack of posting has concerned some, so I decided I'd give in today and fulfill a request to let you know that I am here, and I am fine!  

One reason I hadn't written was because I didn't really know what I should say or how I should say it.  It's often the same ole thing.  By the time I click Publish I will probably wish I hadn't.  However, I will say it like it is today, not telling all, but enough to be honest and truthful.  

I wish I could say that I'm doing very well and living life to it's fullest. Instead, I'm embarrassed to say that I keep finding myself in a bit of a rut again and again.  I keep digging my way up and then I experience a land slide that takes me lower and I have to start again.  It's discouraging to say the least. The last few months have been more difficult than I expected (for various reasons).  Though they have not been the best of times, they have not been the worst of times either, so I am grateful for that.

I keep reminding myself that I am human and that difficult times will continue to "bless" my life, but I also keep wishing that I was perfect and could have magical powers to jump or fly over the crippling land slides and remain untouched.  Realizing that is the stuff fairy tales are made of and I am not living a fairy tale, I do recognize the better way.  I am a real human being with real human tendencies.  I will suffer pain, sorrow, loss, discouragement and confusion, and a myriad of other trials and afflictions because I am human.  I will experience them over and over again.  
But, I also know that I am a child of God and He has sent me here.  Not to fail nor to suffer constantly because of the conditions I'm surrounded with, but to find joy in my journey no matter how difficult it becomes.

At times I still struggle with the here and now part of life, and need to remind myself often of the eternal perspective.


A few weeks ago we studied the book of Job in our seminary class.  It was a tricky set of lessons because they reminded me so much of the circumstances in my past and how they could be likened to Job and his constant stream  (or flood) of trials and tribulations.   [previous post titled A Sunday Lesson]

Then we moved to lessons from Psalms, which I found very uplifting.  I even found this lovely arrangement for Psalms 23 - a musical message that lifts and lightened the soul.

We have recently begun Isaiah, where I've found difficulty in studying, but joy in the message.  The last lesson and the next few lessons remind me of the message I gave in Stake Conference several years ago -  I titled it  Thank You for Waiting!  I took a few minutes from my seminary study time to re-read that message and it was a much needed reminder.
I am so grateful for that opportunity to speak on that subject because it made me study it and find examples in my life that testify to the important doctrines and principles surrounding that theme.  It now stands as a witness and as encouragement to help me look forward and move forward - toward God - and to wait patiently.  It helps me know how to wait patiently and all that is required in that waiting.  It also speaks of the love I have for Terry and the good man that he was and the many ways he has helped me through life ..., and in many ways he is and will continue to help me through life.


Too many times I have read the book of Isaiah without truly studying it and in doing so I have missed the great message that is found within.  It testifies of Christ and His power to bless our lives.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear though not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
v13 - Fear not; I will help thee.

He has been there for us from the very beginning, He is with us now, and He will be with us for eternity if we let Him.

This has been a repeating theme throughout the Old Testament so far.  I haven't previously done much complete study of the OT, so I hadn't previously noticed that message so prevalent.  But it is there, often, testifying to us that the Lord is with us.  He tells us often - "I am with thee!"  "Surely I will be with thee!"  Others tell us "The Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."  "Be not afraid ... for the Lord thy God is with thee."  It is a plain and precious message to let us know that He loves us and will be there for us.

I know that the Lord is aware of me.  He knows me by name.  He knows my weaknesses and He will be my strength through all of my difficult moments.

I am grateful for this Easter holiday and the very reason for it.  What a beautiful reminder.

A few months ago I watched a movie that had a scene of a boy and girl running to find each other.  The girl hears the boy say "I am here"  a few times but she cannot see him.  Each time it was said with  a quiet calmness even though their surroundings were hectic and loud, even frightening.  I wondered to myself why they didn't make it sound like he was saying it with a breathless, even frustrated sound, because he was running and worried that they wouldn't see each other.  

Then I remembered that the Spirit speaks to us in quiet tones. The Lord says to us "I am here!" 

His voice calls out to us to calm us and reassure us that all will be well if we listen to Him and follow His voice.  It doesn't tell us that our hardships are over, but rather - He is here with us helping us through them.   When the world seems in turmoil around us, we just need to listen for the Lord's comforting words,  "Fear though not; for I am with thee .... I will help thee!"

from here

HAPPY EASTER!

Christmas Holiday Happenings

Here is an update, as has been requested by several of my faithful followers.  Sorry I've been slacking with the posting - so much of my time is spent on studying for seminary.  I do love it though.

However, the holiday break was definitely not filled with seminary study.  It was filled with family and Christmas and a wedding, a new year and a few other things keeping my heart, mind, and soul a bit preoccupied, and now I need a week to catch up from all of that ..., that's just not gonna happen.


The beginning of our holiday vacation was Friday, 18 December 2015 - no school or seminary because of the winter weather conditions.  I missed seminary, but luckily we already had our Christmas lesson so I had given the students their Christmas gifts - Temple Socks.

These socks are to help remind them to walk in the ways of the Lord, which will lead them to the temple and to all of the eternal blessings awaiting those who do follow Him.

---

With no seminary and no school I thought that Friday would be a good day to catch up on my cleaning and decorating and laundry and organizing and preparing for company and Christmas and wedding, but instead it became a very emotional and nonproductive day.  However, looking back now it was a beautiful day that holds a memory that we treasure.  It was the day we received what we call our CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

The short story is that on the way home from BYU-I (18 Dec. 2015) BJo was in an accident.
She slid off the road at the exact place that another car had previously slid off.  That car was still there and the three passengers (students from BYU-I) were out at the tire trying to put chains on.  
BJo found her truck heading straight for them and began to honk the horn to warn them of the danger.  One gal saw the truck and was able to move out of the way, avoiding any injury.  The other two were not so lucky and ended up tangled in their tire chain, drug with the truck, and eventually pinned under the back tire of the truck (one in front of the tire, the other behind the same tire).  The gal that was uninjured saw her two friends under the back left tire and thinking they were dead, went to check on the driver (BJo). 

Connor was traveling in his vehicle a couple minutes behind BJo and stopped to help.  A local fireman also stopped to help.  BJo called 911 and soon other emergency responders came, but they seemed to be more interested in the story than in actually helping.  Thanks mostly to Connor and the first fireman, the two students (a young man and a young woman) were eventually freed from the truck and taken to a nearby hospital.  After a few hours they were released, and walking out on their own, one with a cracked rib and one with a cracked vertebrae (I think) and both with many bruises and aches and pains. They were definitely hurt but alive, and not paralyzed or disabled for life.  

BJo, Connor, and the group they were with (a 3 car caravan with a total of 7 young adults) went to the hospital to check on the injured young adults and were met with a type of friendship that touched their hearts.   

At first sight, this accident seemed to be one of death and destruction, but after prayer and long hours of emotional and physical torture, the outcome was much different.  There have been several things brought to our attention that help us know that the Lord had a hand in all of this, from the beginning (even before they left for college that fall) to now. We have seen the Lord's hand in our lives and we are grateful for the divine help given during this tragic experience. 
BrittanyJo was blessed to be able to feel her father's presence during this ordeal too, and we know that it was her dad's truck (instead of the small Ford Focus she used to take to school), and divine intervention that saved these four young adults from death and/or major physical problems.  Walking out of that hospital on their own never seemed to be an option, but we are grateful that the Lord was watching over our loved ones and all others involved, and we know that the Lord has a plan for each of these young people - their lives are in His hand.  My prayer is that they will each continue to follow Him so that He may continue to guide them.  

FYI - The young man that was pinned under the tire has his mission call and will leave for that mission sometime in February.  Our thoughts and prayers will go with him.

More FYI - the truck is totaled, 

but we are grateful that it was a part of this day, and it is a reminder that Terry is present and still looking after his family in ways that we are not even aware of.  Our love for him continues to grow, as does our love for our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  They are aware of each of us, and that includes each of you, and will be there for us in our time of need.

No one would have chosen to be involved with this accident, but we are grateful to have felt the love from above and to have another witness that we are loved and cared for and watched over. This time it definitely did turn out better than we thought.


Here is a photo BJo took last semester that speaks even more to our hearts than it previously did.

The view is in the mirror.  This view fits well with the temple socks mentioned at the beginning of this post, and it fits well with our Christmas Miracle.  The writing on the mirror speaks volumes as does the picture itself - OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR!

It's beautiful!  It originally spoke to our hearts because of our first trip to Rexburg, with Terry.  He gave BJo a blessing in the parking lot of that temple.  He talked of a North star guiding us where we need to go, and though the temple is south of campus, it would be her guide while she was there.  Precious memories.

---

Next up - Christmas!  We had a great Christmas and enjoyed having family with us.  Gifts were exchange, puzzles were completed, games were enjoyed, and all other excitement of being together.  

Did you notice the half lit tree?  That's the way it rolled this year - I ran out of lights and by the time I got them the tree was dead and I didn't want to put them on.  It didn't bother me at all, until I had guests that were new to my home, that may never see another tree at my house again, and it made me wonder what they might think.  Oh Bother!  Maybe I should have come up with a new tradition and special meaning for that half lit tree, but then I'd have to think too hard.  :)

Snow was a bonus and added some great fun for the kids.

---

We welcomed in the new year playing Nerts. I don't usually play card games, but gave in to this one.  I was BJo's partner and though the first few attempts were slow, we actually won a couple rounds (not my doing, BJo could have played as the team ... wait, maybe she did and I was just there for moral support - they were giving to me, not from me.  Oh Bother!  Well, at any rate, we had fun!) 

---

We spent a couple days making cookies and chicken puffs for the next celebration and after the New Year we had a wedding - Connor married Rebekah Richins (from Warden) in the Columbia River Temple - 2 January 2016.  It was awesome and beautiful, but snowy and cold.  That evening we had a wonderful reception in Warden to celebrate this union. Next day they came to open gifts and headed out again.  We enjoyed this occasion and wish them love and success.

---

School was next on the calendar, so Anthony went back to school on the 4th and I drove BJo and a friend from Yakima to Rexburg to begin their next semester.  The roads were most bad as we traveled down Adams, but once on I90 we were pleased to find them pretty good the rest of the way.  We got them settled and unloaded gifts at Connor and Bekah's apartment.  (Thanks to all of our wonderful family and friends who gave such awesome gifts to this newly created eternal family!) 
Next day I traveled home alone, but not really alone.  I felt a peace and comfort, and a help that was not my own.  I am so grateful for the constant help from above.  


At one part of my drive home I couldn't get radio reception so I played the CD already in the player.  The first song was Glorious and I flipped to the last song, a song about 1 Nephi 3:7

7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

I played it once and then again, the second time singing along with it, when a powerful feeling came over me.  I know that the Lord has prepared a way for me to accomplish the thing which He commandeth me. He is aware of us and our every need.  He doesn't always give us what we want, but he does always help us through what comes our way. He has given me seminary to help me accomplish this most difficult task of living righteously without my husband and I am grateful for it.  He has protected my family, given us peace and comfort, and direction.  He is helping us learn how to smile and be happy in these tough times through life.  I hope and pray that we will always be worthy of His divine guidance and comfort.  There is no good without it.

---

I stopped at Missoula on my way home, to check on the truck and after seeing it and visiting with both the body shop owner (where the truck is presently resting) and the tow truck driver that hauled it there, I saw and learned things that made me even more grateful for the Lord's hand in that terrible accident.  We will miss that special truck.  We tell ourselves that it is "just a truck", but we know it was more special than "just a truck" and it will remain more special than "just a truck".  It became a protector and we love it even more.  It will now rest from it's protective roll, but we know that it's owner will not, and we love him.  We are at peace because we know that Terry is still a part of our lives..., forever.

That reminds me -
In the wedding ceremony the sealer told Connor that Bekah will be his only love forever and he told Bekah that Connor should be her only love forever.  I loved that, because that is how I feel -  Terry is my only love, forever!  There is great peace and comfort in knowing that our love is forever.  At times I feel like my life is going to be too long without Terry and I hope to not live to be very old because I wish to see him again soon, but I know that I still have a work to perform and personal progress to make, so I will do my best to make the best of what I now have to work with.

---

I almost forgot - we had a Christmas concert too

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Wow, this took me way to long - I've really got to run now.

Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Christmas - Embrace and Follow Him!

10 December 2015

It's been one year since Terry passed away and I miss him terribly..., but I'm Fine!

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I'll never part.

God has you in His arms, I have you in my heart.

I prayed that I would be okay, and I continually tried to reassure myself that the Lord has been strengthening me these past six months and that I can do this.  I know it's true!

I wanted to celebrate and recall the great memories of our first 35 years and not dwell on the memories of being without him during this last year, nor dread the next however many years I have to live without him - because it's just too hard on a soul to be sad every second of the day.

I woke up Thursday morning with a peaceful feeling and felt that my day was going to be okay.

image from here

I went to teach seminary almost like it was any other day..., but I had a back up plan ready to set in motion if needed. (Thanks to a great friend that was ready and willing to prepare just in case, and then come take my place if my emotions got the best of me.)

I got to seminary and was surprised to see three students there early before I even entered the classroom, so I could sense a difference but didn't pay much attention to anything else except finding a place to put the things piled in my arms.

I noticed my lectern at one side of the room.  It had a plate of cookies and little hearts scattered around with encouraging words written on each. It immediately brought joy to my heart and tears to my eyes.

Awesomeness!  This is the plate of cookies and the hearts that were scattered around the table top

I then knew why the girls had come early and gratitude filled my whole soul.  I felt of their love, and put my things down on a table and went back to give them a hug.

Then they started to explain a few things and tell me more about it and that is when I noticed the rest of the room.  I felt silly for not having noticed it first, but my mind and eyes were on other things as I entered the room.  There was another "heart attack" on the white board, with notes from my students.

It was a beautiful sight to behold - beautiful to my eyes and to my heart and soul.  Of course my emotions surfaced again ...,

and again, when one of the boys walked in with this lovely arrangement.

I was able to teach that day and at the end of class I had a little cup of almond m&ms for each of them and asked them to give me a handshake or hug as they left, if they felt comfortable.  I have awesome students!   I am grateful for each one of them.  I love them!  I am grateful that God gave them to me.


I continued to feel a special spirit throughout the day.  I wished I could decipher whether that spirit was from Terry or from the Savior.  Then something special happened that afternoon and I knew that it was Terry that was with me, because immediately an impression came to me that was him talking to me in his familiar tone of voice and with words that he would have used, and my mind then knew what my heart had been feeling.  I was grateful to know he was with me.

Later that day as I was talking about that experience I realized that it really is awesome that I don't always know if it is Terry or the Spirit of the Lord with me, and that just means they are similar enough to each other that I cannot tell them apart.

I must certainly make sure my actions here on earth will make me the person that Terry wants back when the time comes.

In addition to this love shown at seminary, I received texts and phone calls and emails and visits that
kept me busy all day.  I am grateful for family and friends.  Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers on my behalf (and for my family too).

It certainly has been a difficult year ...,

image from here 

but it has included some special times that I will treasure.

I am not grateful that Terry left this earth life when he did, but I am grateful for our Savior and Heavenly Father who have proven that They are aware of me, my family and the situation They placed us in.  Sometimes I feel lost, but I am very aware of the fact that I am / We are not alone.

image from here 

This day was a tender mercy!

The Blessings

The first song I played this morning was timely as I turned around and saw all the signs of cold outside and felt the warmth from inside this wonderful home, and a blanket of gratitude enveloped me.  This song began and the words fit so perfectly with all I beheld - our home and homestead.   It matched my feeling of gratitude for the moment, and even made it more than what it was.  I am grateful for The Blessings - all that's been given me.  All that Terry provided for us and for the Lords hand it it all.





I hope Terry can see and/or know of the love and desire in my eyes - my love for him and for the Savior and our Heavenly Father, and my desire to be with him and Them.   I think my eyes have a hard time showing anything but pain lately.   I hope and pray that I will make the necessary changes in my life and endure well (better than I have) as I continue on this path back to them.

I have been trying to focus more on my blessings instead of my loss.  It is tremendously difficult but I keep repenting and trying again.  It will probably take me years of trying, but with Christ on my side I know I can eventually succeed - and, I'm succeeding as long as I do keep trying.

I am so grateful for the Savior who atoned for me - a blessing beyond measure!

I am grateful that He made it possible for families to be together forever.

What a marvelous blessing that is.

I am so grateful for The Blessings!  Each and every one of them!

Welcoming the Christmas Season

Hello Family and Friends,

I added a post on December first that was a "GIF" to welcome the season.  I didn't spend much time with it and it was simple but sent greetings out to those who read this blog.

The next day I was having technical difficulties and decided to remove it since it was the only change I had made.  After removing it I thought all was well again, but these words kept jumping around as I wrote this. (So between my difficulties with the computer and my schedule I'm not doing very well at getting this post done - it's taken me parts of three days now!)

Anyway -  I'm adding this apology for the error of my ways.  :)   It has confused and saddened a few of my loyal readers to know that there was once a post but it no longer exists.  I'm sorry!

I've stolen this image from google, and hope it brightens your day!  It is certainly meant to share love in this moment in time.

With the weather as it has been in our area (snowy, icy, cold and dangerous to drive in, especially in the early mornings) our school district had a two hour late start on Wednesday and Thursday, which means there was no seminary those two days.

This is not necessarily a good thing, in fact, I missed it, but it has allowed me more time at home, so I'm trying to decorate for Christmas.

I didn't decorate for many of the holidays this year.  This is especially strange for me, but some of this stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore.  What I used to want or do was done for a reason that doesn't seem to matter to me anymore at the moment.

 Maybe it will another year???  I'm happy that I don't have to think about it or decide that right now.

(Now you see how I am?)  

image from here

(And I'm ok with that!)

However, with this holiday I decided to decorate - not for me, but for everyone else.

In our most recent General Conference, I heard a phrase that interested me because I've been working on it for several years now -

“When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most.”  Elder Hales quote from here


(And that keeps changing for me, making things really tricky.)


Anyway, I'm decorating for Christmas because what matters most is ... others!  Yip!  I don't need it, but others do.  Some even expect it from me and would be very disappointed in me if I did not decorate.  And, then it would discourage me ...,

So I did begin to decorate for Christmas on Wednesday.  Trees are out, but not decorated - just placed in their spot.  I've got to purchase some lights because after years of use, they are all burning out.

While I was decorating I even played Christmas music. That was fun.  I did enjoy it and it might help get me in the mood to finish decorating for Christmas.  The combination of Christmas music and Christmas decor, along with the memories of the past, have created a new feel - a personal and tender expression of love, unspoken.  

One of my all time favorite Christmas CDs is A Christmas to Remember, by Amy Grant. I'm currently on my third CD because it gets used and abused.

This time listening to it, I heard something and felt something I had not before heard and felt.  (Yes, that is still quite common in my life.)   As I was singing along to 'Til The Season Comes 'Round Again the words caught me of guard.  It applied to me in a completely different way than before.


Come and gather around at the table
In the spirit of family and friends
And we'll all join hands and remember this moment
'Til the season comes 'round again

Let's all try to smile for the picture
And we'll hold it as long as we can
May it carry us through
Should we ever get lonely
'Til the season comes 'round again

[Chorus:]
One night holy and bright
Shining with love from our hearts
By a warm fire,
Let's lift our heads high
And be thankful we're here
'Til this time next year

May the new year be blessed
With good tidings
'Til the next time I see you again
If we must say goodbye
Let the spirit go with you
'Til the season comes 'round again

[Chorus]
May the new year be blessed with good tidings
'Til the next time I see you again
If we must say goodbye
Let the spirit go with you
And we'll love and we'll laugh
In the time that we had
'Til the season comes 'round again


I thought of Terry, of course.
I thought of gathering for Christmas last year without him..., and that season is upon us again.
I thought of us all trying to smile for the family picture before the funeral - trying to smile and "hold it as long as [I could]".
I thought of carrying through when I do get lonely 'til the season comes 'round again - and that season is not only a Christmas season, but also the season that I will again be with Terry.   I can hardly wait!

My thoughts continued as the song continued, each phrase touching my heart in a new way.  My heart is grateful for the time that we shared and for the spirit that calms a troubled and saddened heart because we did have to say goodbye for a time.


This song came on at a time when I was working with "my family" that Terry gave me for a birthday gift many years ago.

I didn't want to put it away to bring out Christmas decor, so I moved it with a few other things to this area.  While decorating for Christmas last year, I had moved it from it's original spot on the fireplace to the hutch on the other side of the room.  When Terry looked over to the fireplace to see it one day (not realizing I had moved it) he was surprised to not find it there and asked; "where is my family?" I could sense a hurtful, disappointed tone in his voice when he realized that his family was not there. It was a painful moment for me and the feeling lingers, so I cannot move it out of sight ..., ever.


At this moment, the only decor that is complete is this one small shelf.  
I have since began decorating a little pencil tree right below the shelf, and adding items that represent or remind me of Terry.  I'm not calling it a Terry Tree, but instead it's HisTree!  Just a bit more of His Story in visual form.

Part of a floral arrangement from his funeral.

One of his handkerchiefs

A scrabble ornament I purchased for him many years ago.  We never did put it on the tree, but he kept it hung in the office on the bulletin board.  

Someone gave us a scrabble game for a wedding gift and we played that often (it was the only game we owned for years).  It helped us create many great memories.

The tree isn't complete, but it's a start ... and it feels good.   As I look at it I can also see Terry's shelf in the library and a wreath (with vintage handkerchiefs and elves) we purchased for our Seattle apartment during our last stay there.

I guess this post is proof that things do still matter to me, but one thing I have really thought about is that I didn't realize then that I had everything I wanted!    Not that Terry was the only thing I ever wanted, but he is the one thing I did not want to let go of and now that he is not here I am lost.  I'm different!   Day to day life has become something I am not familiar with.   It's a strange feeling - one I don't completely understand and cannot completely explain.      However, I am grateful for it.  And, I am grateful for this holiday season, and the reason for this season.  I am thankful for Christ!


Well, my post is finally at an end ..., complete with my wish for you -

A Light...

I mentioned in an earlier post that the ceiling in the craft room had some water damage and needed repaired.

Well, it is finally fixed.  The area has been repaired and the whole ceiling repainted.

It looks much better now and the best part is that we have a new light fixture, which means that I can see.  After more than 20 years of off and on, the light fixture was beginning to have problems.  One at a time the six little bulbs began blowing out within a few weeks after installing them, leaving me often with just one 15 watt bulb lighting the room.  I relied on my table lamp for the light at my desk and the rest of the room was dimly lit, which was pretty tricky in the early mornings and winter evenings.

Now, I have a fan light that lights the whole room very nicely - that is very important since I'm always up before the sun comes up and after the sun goes down and much of my time is spent in this room.

Because this is one of the warmest rooms in the summer the fan will add some relief to the warm sun shining thru the windows at the end of the day.

The walls are still not painted the color I'd like for the craft room, but that project still has to wait for another day.  For now, I'm happy to have the light.  Light is always uplifting.

A Message of Comfort and Cheer

Elder Holland has such a wonderful way of sharing with us and inspiring us, and I am grateful for this message I came across as I was searching resources for seminary lessons.  It isn't one I'll use in seminary, but it is something I will use in my everyday personal life.  Therefore, I need to keep it close to remind me when I need it most.  (And maybe I'll take time to listen to the complete message another time, because I didn't get all of it this time.)


Christmas Comfort



"Birth is ultimately for the death"

"We have each other now and forever"  "Because of Christ"

"Temporary separation at death ... are part of the price we pay for love in this world, and for the joy of birth, and for family ties ...."

"Remember why all of this matters"

"Cannot separate Bethlehem from Gethsemane."