A Bitter Heart (a personal experience)
For a while now I have given thought to a certain time in my life when my heart was bitter about my circumstances and conditions. Each time I have thought about it I have also felt inspired to share my story here. I have attempted to write it several times, but have also hesitated each time knowing that it would incriminate me. I really am embarrassed by it. Listening to General Conference prodded me, so once again I attempted to complete this story but didn't succeed. Attending Skyler's college graduation was the final prod I needed, and I am sitting to complete it for the final attempt. This experience isn't something that I am proud of or pleased with, aside from the fact that I am grateful to have been able to recognize and overcome the evil within.
I want to start out by saying that I love my children - each and every one of them. This story in no way should, nor is intended to make any statement contrary to that fact.
My story is about hearts. They are our very life. But this story isn't about the beating of a heart in a physical sense, but about the spiritual part of the heart, which in many ways is just as important. Our hearts are what help us feel ..., really feel. Therefore we need to keep them happy and never harbor hatred or bitterness. For hatred and bitterness are destroyers of happiness and joy and peace.
Okay, enough preface, on with my story -
After having a few boys added to our family I really wanted a girl. At one point I was feeling rather bitter about things and wondering why Heavenly Father wasn't answering what I thought was a righteous desire and request.
Don't get me wrong - I loved (and still love) my boys, each one of them, and wouldn't trade any of them for anyone or any thing else. But that love didn't stop me from wanting a girl too. I know that there are others out there who at the same time would have given anything for a child - girl or boy, so why should I complain? (I might add, that I have felt that feeling for a short time in my life too.) I also saw at the same time that there were young girls out there who shouldn't even be having children, getting pregnant and having a girl. What was up with that? Are you sensing the bitterness I was feeling? I'm just trying to paint this picture as it really was - telling it like it is type of thing.
I'm not sure how many boys I had before I began feeling so bitter about it, and I'm sure it was a gradual thing, but I can especially remember one experience (and can vividly envision it in my mind as I think back on it today) when I wept bitterly and felt almost angry against the Lord for not granting me this blessing. I was telling my visiting teachers about my desire and while doing so I was able to feel my body tremble and a coldness overcome me. I remember recognizing that I was "out of control" ..., this was not what I wanted to feel. I was not who I wanted to be. I didn't like that bitter feeling inside of me. The Lord's Spirit had left me. These sweet sisters listened lovingly, and surely wondered what to say or do that could console me. I'm sure the Lord was inspiring them because they said and did exactly what I needed at the time. Even though I don't remember their exact words, I do remember the love they expressed to me and the hope they gave me as they shared their love for me and their love for the Lord. I wish I could remember their words, but do recognize that what I felt may have come from more than spoken words. I knew then that I needed to pray for forgiveness and come to terms with the fact that I did not have a daughter. I had to remember to trust in the Lord, to love Him. Possibly most importantly, I knew that my prayers needed to change from "please give me a daughter" to "please give me peace". I had to stop dwelling on my discouragement and start dwelling on something that would take my heart to a happy place. Christ would be that happy place.
I can tell you that my prayers did change and my heart changed also. In time, I recognized that I had come a long way. After my seventh son I was feeling a great peace and even felt comfortable with being done with our family of seven boys. There was no bitterness left in me. I felt good inside. I felt peace and love from above. I was content. I was happy. It was a great feeling and I was grateful for it.
My story doesn't end there, but it could have and life would have been great because I had found a happy place. I find it interesting that it was only after this peace came to me that I was given a daughter. Child number eight, that I wasn't sure I was even going to have, was a surprise package ready to be dressed in pink (at least for a few years). And to prove His love for me, the Lord then sent us one more son, child number nine, to complete our family.
There is much more to this story that I left unsaid, but I am grateful for the change of heart that took place, and for those two sisters who truly were inspired to encourage and love and inspire me to be a better person. Their hearts were where they needed to be when I needed them. I am so grateful for that. One of those sisters has since past away, but I will remember her always because of the love shared from her heart to mine that day. The other sister remains my friend and without even knowing, continues to touch my heart in numerous ways. They each hold a special place in my heart.
I have learned that true joy comes from what Christ sends us, whatever that is. It does not always come from our desires, though sometimes we are lucky enough that those two things are the same. It's how we handle what He sends us that makes us who we are and guides us to a happy place.
I love this quote - it fits perfectly for my story - I must remember this for all areas of my life!
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou
Because the quotes I heard at Skyler's graduation are still recent enough for me to remember, I am adding them here. You'll probably see why they prompted me to continue writing my story. As usual, I will enjoy reading the conference messages to remind myself of those great words, and maybe I'll share some of those thoughts as I come to them.
Quotes from April 2013 BYU-I graduation: (FYI - these were each from different speakers)
I thought I was going to close here, but another thought keeps coming to my mind - it's a phrase in a children's book, and maybe even the title of it - Better Move On Frog!
(I don't remember the story of that book, but the title is what fits here.)
When we find our hearts becoming hardened or bitter we'd better move on to a happier place, and we'd better recognize that the happier place is closer to Christ and His teachings. That's all there is to it. Forget and forgive and move on.
and lastly - a Japanese Proverb
I want to start out by saying that I love my children - each and every one of them. This story in no way should, nor is intended to make any statement contrary to that fact.
My story is about hearts. They are our very life. But this story isn't about the beating of a heart in a physical sense, but about the spiritual part of the heart, which in many ways is just as important. Our hearts are what help us feel ..., really feel. Therefore we need to keep them happy and never harbor hatred or bitterness. For hatred and bitterness are destroyers of happiness and joy and peace.
Okay, enough preface, on with my story -
After having a few boys added to our family I really wanted a girl. At one point I was feeling rather bitter about things and wondering why Heavenly Father wasn't answering what I thought was a righteous desire and request.
Don't get me wrong - I loved (and still love) my boys, each one of them, and wouldn't trade any of them for anyone or any thing else. But that love didn't stop me from wanting a girl too. I know that there are others out there who at the same time would have given anything for a child - girl or boy, so why should I complain? (I might add, that I have felt that feeling for a short time in my life too.) I also saw at the same time that there were young girls out there who shouldn't even be having children, getting pregnant and having a girl. What was up with that? Are you sensing the bitterness I was feeling? I'm just trying to paint this picture as it really was - telling it like it is type of thing.
I'm not sure how many boys I had before I began feeling so bitter about it, and I'm sure it was a gradual thing, but I can especially remember one experience (and can vividly envision it in my mind as I think back on it today) when I wept bitterly and felt almost angry against the Lord for not granting me this blessing. I was telling my visiting teachers about my desire and while doing so I was able to feel my body tremble and a coldness overcome me. I remember recognizing that I was "out of control" ..., this was not what I wanted to feel. I was not who I wanted to be. I didn't like that bitter feeling inside of me. The Lord's Spirit had left me. These sweet sisters listened lovingly, and surely wondered what to say or do that could console me. I'm sure the Lord was inspiring them because they said and did exactly what I needed at the time. Even though I don't remember their exact words, I do remember the love they expressed to me and the hope they gave me as they shared their love for me and their love for the Lord. I wish I could remember their words, but do recognize that what I felt may have come from more than spoken words. I knew then that I needed to pray for forgiveness and come to terms with the fact that I did not have a daughter. I had to remember to trust in the Lord, to love Him. Possibly most importantly, I knew that my prayers needed to change from "please give me a daughter" to "please give me peace". I had to stop dwelling on my discouragement and start dwelling on something that would take my heart to a happy place. Christ would be that happy place.
I can tell you that my prayers did change and my heart changed also. In time, I recognized that I had come a long way. After my seventh son I was feeling a great peace and even felt comfortable with being done with our family of seven boys. There was no bitterness left in me. I felt good inside. I felt peace and love from above. I was content. I was happy. It was a great feeling and I was grateful for it.
My story doesn't end there, but it could have and life would have been great because I had found a happy place. I find it interesting that it was only after this peace came to me that I was given a daughter. Child number eight, that I wasn't sure I was even going to have, was a surprise package ready to be dressed in pink (at least for a few years). And to prove His love for me, the Lord then sent us one more son, child number nine, to complete our family.
There is much more to this story that I left unsaid, but I am grateful for the change of heart that took place, and for those two sisters who truly were inspired to encourage and love and inspire me to be a better person. Their hearts were where they needed to be when I needed them. I am so grateful for that. One of those sisters has since past away, but I will remember her always because of the love shared from her heart to mine that day. The other sister remains my friend and without even knowing, continues to touch my heart in numerous ways. They each hold a special place in my heart.
I have learned that true joy comes from what Christ sends us, whatever that is. It does not always come from our desires, though sometimes we are lucky enough that those two things are the same. It's how we handle what He sends us that makes us who we are and guides us to a happy place.
I love this quote - it fits perfectly for my story - I must remember this for all areas of my life!
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou
Because the quotes I heard at Skyler's graduation are still recent enough for me to remember, I am adding them here. You'll probably see why they prompted me to continue writing my story. As usual, I will enjoy reading the conference messages to remind myself of those great words, and maybe I'll share some of those thoughts as I come to them.
Quotes from April 2013 BYU-I graduation: (FYI - these were each from different speakers)
- "In all thy getting get understanding" and "lean not unto thine own understanding but trust in the Lord" (two scriptures that fit so well together)
- "This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it" (quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson)
- "How we react to our failures can be more important than how we react to our successes"
I thought I was going to close here, but another thought keeps coming to my mind - it's a phrase in a children's book, and maybe even the title of it - Better Move On Frog!
(I don't remember the story of that book, but the title is what fits here.)
When we find our hearts becoming hardened or bitter we'd better move on to a happier place, and we'd better recognize that the happier place is closer to Christ and His teachings. That's all there is to it. Forget and forgive and move on.
and lastly - a Japanese Proverb
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| image from here |
This was first posted at
http://waitingpatientlyonthelord.blogspot.com/2013/04/a-bitter-heart.html
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